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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that secondary school should add international news as a subject; others think that it is a waste of valuable time. Discuss both views.

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Introduction
Some people believe that educational institutions should include international
news
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 as a
school
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subject
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. Others think that making international
news
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 a
subject
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 wastes valuable
time
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.
Body paragraph 1
One advantage is that adding international
news
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 as a
subject
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 helps
students
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 learn about different
cultures
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.
For example
Linking Words
, Taiwanese
news
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 reports on differences in the
school
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lunch
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 menu between different countries,
such
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 as Taiwan and
Japan
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. Taiwan's
school
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lunch
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 usually includes rice and soup.
By contrast
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,
Japan
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's
school
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lunch
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 often provides bread and milk.
News
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also
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 reports why lunches are different and how they are influenced by history.
Japan
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's culture has been impacted by American
cultures
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 so there are many food styles more similar to Western food.
That is
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 the reason why
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Japan
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's
school
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lunch
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 provides bread and milk. Secondary
school
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students
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 can understand different
cultures
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 without travelling to those countries through the
news
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.
Body paragraph 2
However
Linking Words
, class
time
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 is limited
so
Punctuation problem
, so
show examples
students
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 may not have enough
time
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 to understand the
news
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 in depth. One example is reading
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news
Add an article
the news
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 takes
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time
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apply
show examples
around fifteen to twenty minutes
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
Use synonyms
time
Add an article
the time
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 needed depends on
types
Add an article
the types
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 of articles. After reading the
news
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,
students
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also
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 need to figure out what the
news
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 reports on and what information the
news
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 presents to readers. The words on the
news
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 sometimes are more difficult for secondary
school
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students
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 to understand
so
Punctuation problem
, so
show examples
students
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 spend more
time
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 reading
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news
Add an article
the news
show examples
.
Stuendts
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Students
 cannot
predit
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predict
 how long it
take
Correct subject-verb agreement
takes
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 to figure out an article. If they need to use three classes to complete one
news
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 article, it will be
time
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-consuming.
This
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 explains why others believe making international
news
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 a
subject
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 is a waste of valuable
time
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.
Conclusion
To sum up
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, secondary
school
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 should add international
news
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 as a
subject
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has
Correct pronoun usage
, which has
show examples
 both advantages and disadvantages. Whether it is worthwhile depends on
what
Correct determiner usage
which
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 side people support.
Benefit
Add an article
The benefit
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 is that
students
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 can learn
different
Change preposition
about different
show examples
cultures
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 in depth without travelling.
However
Linking Words
, it
also
Linking Words
 takes
times
Check wording
time
show examples
 to understand international
news
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 deeply.

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task response
You discuss both views and give a clear good point for each side. To make your own view clearer, say in the end if you think the subject should be added, and under what rules.
task response
Your first example is clear, but it is very long. Keep the main link to the question: news can help students learn about life in other countries. Then add one short fact only.
task response
The second main point is about time. Explain more fully why this time may take away from other school work, such as reading, science, or maths.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part plan: opening, one view, the other view, and ending. Keep this plan.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer links between ideas. For example, use 'As a result' after the lunch facts, and use 'For this reason' before the point about lost class time.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences repeat the same idea about needing time to read and understand news. Join them into one or two shorter sentences so the paragraph moves forward.
coherence and cohesion
Make the last paragraph more direct. Instead of saying it depends on which side people support, state your view and sum up both main points.
task response
You answer both parts of the question and stay on the main topic throughout.
task response
The school lunch example gives a real and easy-to-follow way in which news can teach students about other cultures.
coherence and cohesion
Each body paragraph has one main idea, so the reader can follow your argument easily.
coherence and cohesion
The opening and ending help give the essay a complete shape.
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