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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In some cultures the parents arrange marriages for their children but in others people choose their own marriage partner. What are the advantages and disadvantages of each system?

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Introduction
In today’s world, in some countries,
parents
Use synonyms
 choose
marriage
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 for their
children
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,
while
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 in other countries,
people
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 decide
their
Change preposition
on their
show examples
Use synonyms
partner
Correct word choice
own partner
show examples
. Both approaches have their advantages and disadvantages, which I will discuss in
this
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 essay.
Body paragraph 1
In many cultures, especially in African societies,
parents
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 are keen on deciding whom their
children
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 should marry. From their perspective,
parents
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 are wise enough to decide who is suitable to become their
children
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’s
partner
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.
Moreover
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, they have to obey that decision undoubtedly. In some cases, that might be true, but in other cases, only individuals can feel whether their
partner
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 is good for them or not.
For instance
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,
marriage
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 cannot
last
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 long if the couple is forced to be married. After every argument, they would resent each other and blame their
parents
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 for ruining their lives.
However
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, in some cases,
parents
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 can find a more suitable
partner
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 for their childrenchildren a more suitable
partner
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 than their
children
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 themselves, because
parents
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 are more mature and experienced.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, in numerous well-developed countries,
people
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 are responsible for choosing their
marriage
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partner
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. In modern societies, traditional values are gradually losing their influence, which could be considered harmful and negative nowadays.
For example
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,
people
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 are not supposed to marry someone whom they do not love, simply because their
parents
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 tell them to. The main advantage is that
children
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 are less likely to blame their
parents
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 for choosing the wrong
marriage
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partner
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 because they are the only ones responsible for their own decisions.
Although
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 they make their own decisions about
marriage
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, their
parents
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 can help them understand whether their feelings are temporary or long-lasting.
Conclusion
In conclusion, both systems have their own advantages and disadvantages.
While
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 the traditional method is a great choice for some cultures, I believe that in modern life,
people
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 should choose their
marriage
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partner
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, because it would only make their
marriage
Use synonyms
 stronger and happier.

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task response
Discuss both systems in a more even way. Give clear good and bad points for parent choice, then clear good and bad points for personal choice.
task response
Some ideas need more support. For example, explain why parents may know more about a good match, and why love and free choice may help a marriage last.
task response
Use examples that fit the point. The African example is very wide and may not be true for all people. Use a general example, or make it clear that this happens in some families.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an end. Make each body part easier to follow by giving one main idea at the start and then its good and bad sides.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer link words to show contrast, such as “However”, “In contrast”, and “As a result”. Do not repeat “in some cases” too often.
coherence and cohesion
Fix the repeated words in “childrenchildren a more suitable partner”. Also make the last sentence of the first body part smoother, as it now repeats the same idea.
task response
You answer both parts of the question and give your own view at the end.
task response
You include clear points about freedom, love, parent help, and life experience.
coherence and cohesion
The main order is easy to understand: parent choice first, personal choice next, then a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction tells the reader what the essay will discuss, and the conclusion returns to the main idea.
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