IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 2.5

Some people believe that our happiness depends on how much money we have. Others say that money cannot buy happiness. Do you think that having money is the key to happiness, or are there more important factors?

2.5 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
Possession
Correct determiner usage
The
show examples
 influence
people's
Change preposition
of possession on people's
show examples
 happiness is a heated topic nowadays. I believe that
despite
Punctuation problem
, despite
show examples
money
Use synonyms
, there are many aspects in
life
Use synonyms
 that people can find
their
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
joy.
Body paragraph 1
First of all, health
exert
Correct subject-verb agreement
exerts
show examples
 a major influence on people's
Use synonyms
life
Check wording
lives
show examples
. If you are sick, all your
money
Use synonyms
 will be spent on the cure. You cannot enjoy
life
Use synonyms
 normally because you might
constantly
Verb problem
be constantly
show examples
 thinking about your health problem.
Body paragraph 2
Secondly
Linking Words
,
money
Use synonyms
 can't buy affection. You cannot use
money
Use synonyms
 to force someone to be in love with you if they don't want to. Love is
comming
Correct your spelling
coming
 from your action, how you take care of that person. If you treat your loved one badly and compensate by buying her extravagant things, you will not get her love in return because she's
hurted
Correct your spelling
hurt
 by your action.
Conclusion
In conclusion, happiness depends on many factors in
life
Use synonyms
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
 not only
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
money
Use synonyms
. Health and
relationship
Check wording
relationships
show examples
 cannot be shaped and
force
Wrong verb form
forced
show examples
 using
money
Use synonyms
. Having possession can make your
life
Use synonyms
 easier in many ways
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
 it can't replace all aspects of your
life
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
State your main view more clearly in the first part. Say that money is helpful, but health and love are more important for true happiness.
task response
Develop each main idea more. For health, explain that money may pay for care, but it cannot always give a healthy body. For love, explain why real care and time matter more than gifts.
task response
Add one clear real-life example for each point. This will make your ideas stronger and easier to understand.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: first health, then love, and then a final view. Keep this simple plan.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words to show how ideas connect, such as “For example”, “As a result”, and “However”. Do not use them too often.
coherence and cohesion
Make some sentences clearer. For example, write “People may worry about their health all the time” instead of “you might constantly thinking about your health problem”.
coherence and cohesion
Use the same key words in a clear way. Choose “money”, “health”, and “relationships” instead of changing too much between “possession”, “affection”, and “love”.
task response
You answer the main question and clearly say that money is not the only source of happiness.
task response
Your two main points, health and love, are relevant and support your view well.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, two main body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
The words “First of all”, “Secondly”, and “In conclusion” help the reader follow your ideas.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: