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Band 4.5

Question:- Over the past 50 years, young people gain status and power but old people have lost.What is the cause and it is a good or bad development?

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Introduction
The issue of young
people
Use synonyms
 gaining
status
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 and
power
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while
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 elderly
people
Use synonyms
 are
losting
Correct your spelling
losing
 theirs has become a significant concern in recent years. It is widely believed that elderly
people
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 should have
power
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 and
status
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.
This
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 essay explores the causes of the problem.
Although
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 both
argements
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arguments
 have their merits, I firmly believe that it is a beneficial development.
Body paragraph 1
One major cause is that many individuals think that older
people
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 have health
problem`s
Check wording
problems
show examples
, so they are not suitable for having
status
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.
For instance
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, if an old man works as a manager of
company
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a company
show examples
, he might have problems with his memory
,
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apply
show examples
 and forget to do
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
essential tasks. Another main factor is that young
people
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 have knowledge about modern
thaings
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things
such
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 as technologies and inventions, so that they can make
a
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apply
show examples
successful plans.
For example
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, if a young man works as a director at school, he can deal with students and teachers.
Body paragraph 2
Gaining young
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people
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people's
show examples
status
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 and
power
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 is a useful thing. The main reason is that young
people
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 have
a
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apply
show examples
good health and a strong memory, so that they can do their work
effeicientally
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efficiently
.
For instance
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, if a young woman works at
bank
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a bank
show examples
, she can
remermber
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remember
 the numbers and calculate quickly. Another main factor is that young
people
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 have experience
at
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with
show examples
 technology, which
is help
Wrong verb form
helps
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 them to improve
the
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apply
show examples
digital technology and machines,
while
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 elderly
people
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 do not know how to use them.
Conclusion
To sum up
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, young
people
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 gaining
staus
Correct your spelling
status
 and
power
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while
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 elderly
people
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 are losing theirs is a beneficial thing. The reasons outlined above clearly demonstrate that they have
a
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apply
show examples
good health and
strong
Add an article
a strong
show examples
 memory.

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task response
Answer both parts in a more even way. Explain why old people lose power, then explain clearly why this change is good or bad. Your view is clear, but it needs a fuller reason about the loss for old people and for society.
task response
Use more careful ideas. Do not say that old people cannot lead because of health or memory. Many old people are healthy and have much work and life knowledge. Show both the good and bad sides before you give your own view.
task response
Make each main idea more fully clear. For example, young people may know new tech, but old people may have better judgment, work skills, and knowledge of people.
task response
Your examples fit the main ideas, but some are too simple. Explain what happens after each example and how it proves your point.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an end. Keep this shape, but make the first main part only about causes and the second main part only about whether the change is good or bad.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas more smoothly. Some sentences use 'so that' in an unclear way. Use simple links such as 'because', 'therefore', 'however', and 'as a result' only when they show a clear link.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating the same words and ideas, such as 'young people have good health and strong memory'. Add a new point in each paragraph instead of saying the same point again.
coherence and cohesion
Make your end sum up all key ideas. It should mention both new tech skills and the value that old people may lose, then restate your view.
task response
You give a clear view that the change is good, and you keep this view through the essay.
task response
You include reasons and examples, such as work in a company, a school, and a bank.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear four-part shape: an opening, two body parts, and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use basic signposts well, such as 'One major cause', 'For instance', and 'To sum up'.
Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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