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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that our happiness depends on how much money we have. Others say that money cannot buy happiness. Do you think that having money is the key to happiness, or are there more important factors?

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
It is believed that
happiness
Use synonyms
rely
Correct subject-verb agreement
relies
show examples
 on
people
Use synonyms
's profit.
However
Linking Words
, others argue that
happines
Correct your spelling
happiness
 can not be
measure
Wrong verb form
measured
show examples
 by
money
Use synonyms
. I believe that
money
Use synonyms
do
Correct subject-verb agreement
does
show examples
 make our life
more
Rephrase
apply
show examples
easier
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
 there are other factors that are more important than
happiness
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 1
Indeed, our life balance depends
how
Change preposition
on how
show examples
 much
money
Use synonyms
 we have. If I have enough
much
Check wording
money
show examples
, I can do most
thing
Check wording
things
show examples
 that I want to do,
such
Linking Words
 as diving, travelling
different
Change preposition
to different
show examples
 countries. I do not need to worry about how much I should control when I spend it. I
Linking Words
also can
Correct word order
can also
show examples
 take my step
slow
Rephrase
slowly
show examples
 and reduce stress from living. Of course,
Use synonyms
happiness
Add an article
the happiness
show examples
 level will increase by
this
Linking Words
 factor.
Body paragraph 2
By contrast
Linking Words
, there are
servel
Correct your spelling
several
 factors
will
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
 influence the level of
happiness
Use synonyms
 to change. One example is the
people
Use synonyms
 who spend time with you at
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 special moment,
such
Linking Words
 as family. I
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 been living Austraila since 2024. I go back to my hometown and eat local food with my family. Local food doesn't cost
lot
Add an article
a lot
show examples
.
However
Linking Words
, I always feel
happy
Correct word choice
happier
show examples
 at that moment
more
Rephrase
apply
show examples
than
I
Correct word choice
when I
show examples
go shopping alone because I make personalized memory with my family. When I feel tired in Australia,
this
Linking Words
 memory always supports me to keep going. Another example is
sometime
Rephrase
sometimes
show examples
people
Use synonyms
's
happiness
Use synonyms
 will
impact
Wrong verb form
be impacted
show examples
 by
they get
Wrong verb form
getting
show examples
 something that they do not expect,
such
Linking Words
 as fee item or
free
Add an article
a free
show examples
upgarde
Correct your spelling
upgrade
. I work at
hotel
Add an article
a hotel
show examples
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
sometime
Use the right word
sometimes
show examples
 we select some guest to
free upgarde
Verb problem
upgrade
show examples
 their room. I remembered one guest who is
high-level
Add an article
a high-level
show examples
management
Replace the word
manager
 of his company. When I told him
about
Correct word choice
that
show examples
 his room was free
upgard
Correct your spelling
upgrade
 to
perimer
Correct your spelling
premier
 level, his reaction was
so
Rephrase
very
show examples
 happy and
thank
Replace the word
thankful
 for our service. I think it is
becasue
Correct your spelling
because
 they can feel we are honest and how important they are. I can see
Linking Words
this
Correct word choice
that this
show examples
 decision
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
 their
happiness
Use synonyms
 increase during their stay.
Conclusion
To sum up
Linking Words
.
it
Capitalize the word
It
show examples
 is correct that
people
Use synonyms
 think that our
happiness
Use synonyms
 depends on how much
money
Use synonyms
 we have.
However
Linking Words
, I believe that there are many factors will go up our
happiness
Use synonyms
because
Correct word choice
, such as
show examples
 who we like to spend time with and
different
Add an article
the different
show examples
service
Check wording
services
show examples
 we do not expect.

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Task response
State your main view more clearly in the first part. Say that money is helpful, but close people, good health, and a sense of purpose are more important for happiness.
Task response
Make sure each main point answers the question. Your family example works well. The hotel room example is less strong because it shows a short happy feeling, not a main source of happiness over time.
Task response
Explain your ideas more fully. For example, say why time with family gives deeper happiness than travel, shopping, or having more things.
Task response
Keep your view the same from start to end. In the last part, do not say happiness depends on money if your main view is that other things matter more.
Coherence and cohesion
Use a clearer plan: first, explain how money helps; next, explain why family, friends, and other parts of life matter more; then end with your clear view.
Coherence and cohesion
Start each body part with one clear main idea. The first body part can be about money and daily life. The next body part can be about close people and happy memories.
Coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words such as “For example”, “Also”, “However”, “Because of this”, and “As a result”. This will make the links between sentences easier to follow.
Coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because the word order is not clear. Keep sentences short and direct: “Money can reduce stress because people can pay for food, a home, and travel.”
Language control
Check key forms before you finish: “happiness relies”, “cannot be measured”, “money makes life easier”, “I have lived in Australia”, “I went back”, and “a free room upgrade”.
Task response
You give a clear view that money can make life easier, but it is not the only thing that brings happiness.
Task response
Your family story is real, clear, and linked to the main idea. It shows that shared time can bring strong and lasting happiness.
Coherence and cohesion
The essay has a beginning, two main body parts, and an ending. This gives the reader a clear basic path through your ideas.
Coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful linking words, such as “However”, “Indeed”, “By contrast”, and “To sum up”.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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