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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think the police should carry guns because this can make people protected, while others think the police should not carry guns because the police with guns will lead to more violent crimes. Discuss both views and give your opinion

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
Nowadays, some individuals say that
police
Use synonyms
officers
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 are
suppose
Wrong verb form
supposed
show examples
 to have
guns
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 as a means of protection for citizens.
However
Linking Words
, others say that those
officers
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 must not have these
guns
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when
Correct word choice
, as
show examples
police
Use synonyms
 with
guns
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 probably lead to more violent
crimes
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. For me, I support the latter view, because
police
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 with
guns
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is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 important to deal with
criminals
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 who have personal
guns
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.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, some
criminals
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 misunderstand
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police
Add an article
the police
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 with
guns
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. Sometimes,
police
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 raise their
guns
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 to make
criminals
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 afraid
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
 them even if
criminals
Use synonyms
 are
Use synonyms
guns free
Correct your spelling
gun-free
. Unfortunately, sometimes
criminals
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 may misunderstand
this
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 action from
officers
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. So, they may be afraid
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
 themselves.
Then
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, they can use any tool around them as
weabon
Correct your spelling
a weapon
 to hurt those
people
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 to flee from them.
As a result
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, they might
make
Verb problem
commit
show examples
 a violent crime
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 if they did hurt those
police
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officers
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. For prevention
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this
Change preposition
of this
show examples
, those
criminals
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 are supposed to know that
police
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 are
Use synonyms
guns free
Correct your spelling
gun-free
.
Then
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,
police
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 can talk with those
criminals
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instead
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 of using
guns
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. So,
police
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officers
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 might be
more
Rephrase
less
show examples
 likely to
not
Rephrase
apply
show examples
hurt
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
also
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 additional
crimes
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 are less likely to happen, because of
guns
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.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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,
guns
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 with
police
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officers
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 are
necessarily
Replace the word
necessary
 because
crimes
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 may happen everywhere and anytime. In these times, if
police
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officers
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 did not have
guns
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, they might not be able to protect citizens from
criminals
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.
For instance
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, there may be thefts sometimes raise their
guns
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 to make ordinary
people
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 give them what they want from them. So, for
a
Correct article usage
the
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 protection of those ordinary
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people
Add a comma
people,
show examples
police
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officers
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 are supposed to have
guns
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also
Linking Words
 to deal with
thefts
Check wording
thieves
show examples
, if
thefts
Replace the word
thieves
 use their personal
one
Check wording
ones
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 anytime against ordinary
people
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.
This
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,
Verb problem
is
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 because if they did not have
guns
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, they might not be able to deal with them in
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this
Fix the agreement mistake
these
show examples
 examples. So,
crimes
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 can happen with
this
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.
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While if
Correct word choice
If
show examples
police
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 have one
Punctuation problem
,
show examples
also
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 they might use
them
Fix the agreement mistake
it
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 to protect ordinary
people
Use synonyms
 from those
criminals
Use synonyms
.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
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criminals
Use synonyms
 can misunderstand
police
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 with
guns
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Rephrase
apply
show examples
then
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 sometimes
end
Correct subject-verb agreement
ends
show examples
 up with other violent
crimes
Use synonyms
. But, personally,
police
Use synonyms
officers
Use synonyms
 must have
guns
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 to deal with
criminal
Replace the word
criminals
 who have personal
guns
Use synonyms
 and protect ordinary
people
Use synonyms
 there anytime or anywhere they see
this
Linking Words
.

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task response
You discuss both sides and give your own view. This is good. However, your first paragraph says you support the side against guns, but the reason you give says guns are important. Make your view clear from the start.
task response
Give a clear main idea for each side. For the side against guns, explain that guns can make a hard event worse. For the side for guns, explain that police may need guns when a criminal has a gun.
task response
Use one clear, real-like example for each side. For example, a police officer may face a person with a gun in a shop. Then explain how this example supports your point.
task response
Do not repeat the same point about protection. Add why other ways, such as talk, training, and less harmful tools, may help police when a gun is not needed.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an end. Keep this plan, but make the first sentence of each body part state the main point more clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Some ideas do not link well. For example, the first body part moves from police showing guns to criminals using any tool. Add short links such as “Because of this” and explain each step.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid very long sentences with many ideas. Use shorter sentences: state the point, explain it, then give an example.
coherence and cohesion
Use key words in the same way. Say “police officers” or “the police”, and say “criminals” rather than “those people” when you mean criminals. This will make your meaning easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Your last paragraph should match your view exactly. Say that police should carry guns only for very serious cases, if that is your view, or say they should not carry them, if that is your view.
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you show both views and give your own opinion.
task response
Your point about police needing to protect people from armed criminals is linked to the topic.
coherence and cohesion
The essay uses a useful four-part form: introduction, one side, the other side, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use links such as “On the one hand”, “On the other hand”, “For instance”, and “In conclusion” to guide the reader.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • police
  • carry
  • guns
  • protect
  • dangerous
  • criminals
  • violent
  • situations
  • fear
  • trust
  • community
  • criminals
  • committing
  • accidents
  • wrongful
  • shootings
  • presence
  • escalate
  • peacefully
  • training
  • responsibly
  • react
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