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Band 4

It so important for children to learn the difference between right and wrong at an early age . Punishment is necessary to help them learn this distinction. To what extend do you agree or disagree with this opinion. What sort of punishment should be parents and teachers be allowed to use to teach good behaviour to children ? Give reasons for your answer and include any relavant examples from your knowledge or experience.

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Introduction
Education nowadays
promote
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promotes
show examples
 positive reinforcement and
againist
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against
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 physical and mental punishments.
However
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, some
people
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believes
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believe
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 that
punishment
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 can help to
children
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 to deepen the memory
on
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of
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 making mistakes and learn from it. As an educator, to a large extent,
i
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I
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 disagree on punishing
children
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 to
achive
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achieve
 good
behaviour
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.
Body paragraph 1
The reason educators refuse to use
punishment
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 to help
children
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 to identify good and bad behaviours is
because
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that
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children
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 may learn from
your
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their
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 behaviours.
Teacher
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Teachers
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 or
parent
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parents
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 usually want to control
children
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 to
act
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 like what they
expected
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expect
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 and claim it is a recommended or good
behaviour
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,
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however
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apply
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children
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 cannot understand why
people
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 think the
behaviour
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 is
right
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 or wrong.
Instead
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 of
punishment
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, teachers and
parents
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to encourge
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should encourage
show examples
right
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behaviour
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 and explain what
children
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 do is
right
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 or wrong to let
children
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 consider and think about the
consiquence
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consequences
 of their behaviours. Teachers and
parents
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 should be
a
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apply
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role
model
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models
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 to show how
you
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they
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 want them to
act
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like
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apply
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. If adults always punish
children
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 verbally and
phyically
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physically
,
children
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 may learn from you
an
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and
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 become violent and unable to control their
emotion
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emotions
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 since they are
immitating
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imitating
 adult
behaviour
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.
Linking Words
Therefore
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Therefore,
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 positive reinforcement
such
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 as
prasing
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praising
, guiding, rewarding, explaining and showing how to
act
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right
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 is the critical point to teach what is wrong and
right
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.
Body paragraph 2
Also
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,
punishment
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 affects
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children
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children's
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 mental growth and how their personality
formed
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is formed
show examples
.
Punishment
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make
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makes
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people
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getting
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feel
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 threatened. Some
people
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 may have a shade on their mind
on
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when
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 making decisions because of their
child
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childhood
 trauma
when
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, and when
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 they
made
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make
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mistakes
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mistakes,
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 they always get
critisized
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criticised
.
Children
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 may become lack of
self esteem
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self-esteem
 and
confident
Replace the word
confidence
 because of the trauma. It leads to lower creativity and negative thinking until they grow up as
an adult
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adults
show examples
.
Linking Words
Therefore
Punctuation problem
Therefore,
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 you can see
people
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 in a
loved
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loving
 family always
act
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 confident and brave.
For example
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, the bullies in
harry potter
Capitalize the proper name
Harry Potter
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, Mafory, is a confident and brave person who
always
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is always
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being
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at
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 the
center
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centre
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 of the crowd because he
raised
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was raised
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 in a family with love that always
praising
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praises
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 him and
reward
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rewards
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 him
on
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for
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 doing thing
parents
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expected
Wrong verb form
expect
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. But his dad is
also
Linking Words
 a person with low politeness and overconfident
which
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, which
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cause
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causes
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 him to become a
bullies
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bully
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.
Therefore
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,
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parents
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parents'
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 and teachers' attitude and treat to
children
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 is a critical element
to form
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in forming
show examples
children
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 mind set and personality.
Conclusion
To conclude
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this
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 essay, ealry developmental stage is essential for
children
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 since they learn how to behave
right
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 and wrong, but
punishment
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 is not a recommended method to teach
children
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 to identify
wrong and
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right and wrong
show examples
right
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.
Instead
Linking Words
, adults should
scfold
Verb problem
teach
show examples
children
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 to build up
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
correct
value
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values
show examples
 to let them understand and
able
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be able
show examples
 to identify what they should do.

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task response
Your main view is clear: you do not agree that punishment is needed. However, answer the second question more fully. Say what parents and teachers can use, for example: calm words, clear rules, time to think, loss of a small treat, and praise for good acts. State that hitting, shouting, and public shame should not be used.
task response
Make each main point more exact. Explain how praise and clear words help a child know why an act is right or wrong. Then explain why fear may stop a bad act for a short time but may not teach good values.
task response
Use a real and clear example. The Harry Potter example is not fully helpful because you say Malfoy grew up with love, but you also say he became a bully. This makes your point less clear. A simple school or home example would work better.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an end. Keep one main idea in each body part. The first body part can focus on learning from adults; the second can focus on harm to the child’s mind.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words such as 'First', 'Also', 'For example', 'Because of this', and 'In the end'. Do not use 'Therefore' too many times.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are too long and hold many ideas. Split them into shorter sentences. This will make your meaning easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use the same key words in a clear way. For example, choose 'punishment', 'physical punishment', and 'positive support'. Do not switch between many similar words without clear meaning.
task response
You clearly state your view in the start and keep the same view through the essay.
task response
You give two useful reasons: children may copy adults, and harsh punishment may harm a child’s self-belief.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, body parts, and a conclusion, so the reader can see the main shape of your answer.
coherence and cohesion
You use cause-and-effect ideas, such as adults’ acts shaping children’s acts. This helps your points connect.
Word Count

IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.

A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.

Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.

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