IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that governments should invest more money in public healthcare rather than building new sports facilities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
In recent years, there has been a debate among
individuals
Use synonyms
 about the greatest investment to improve
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
public
health
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 essay completely disagrees with the statement mainly because
sports
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facilities
Use synonyms
 assist
people
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 to improve their well-being
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 investing in hospitals is more expensive.
Body paragraph 1
One prime reason why I strongly believe that money should be spent on introducing
new
Add an article
a new
show examples
sports
Use synonyms
 building is that
they
Fix the agreement mistake
it
show examples
 may improve
individuals
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'
health
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.
This
Linking Words
 is because when
people
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 adopt
healthy
Add an article
a healthy
show examples
 lifestyle,
this
Linking Words
 will directly improve their well-being.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, by building new areas where
people
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 can exercise,
individuals
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 are more likely to be
more
Rephrase
apply
show examples
healthier. To illustrate, a recent study in the United Kingdom shows that a new
sport
Check wording
sports
show examples
 facility in London has significantly improved public
health
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 by 60%.
This
Linking Words
 demonstrates that taxpayers should invest in building
sports
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facilities
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 to improve
people
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's
health
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.
Body paragraph 2
Another significant driver behind
this
Linking Words
 view is
investing
Correct word choice
that investing
show examples
 in healthcare buildings is more expensive than
sports
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 infrastructure.
In other words
Linking Words
, building a hospital can cost a government millions of dollars, mainly because the policymaker should pay water and
electrcity
Correct your spelling
electricity
 bills and salaries;
hence
Linking Words
 searching for the best doctors is highly expensive.
For instance
Linking Words
, recent research by Yale University suggests that building a gym is
cheaper three times
Correct word order
three times cheaper
show examples
 than a hospital.
This
Linking Words
explans
Correct your spelling
explains
 that the best approach to improve
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
public
health
Use synonyms
 is to
building
Wrong verb form
build
show examples
 new
sports
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facilities
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.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 numerous
individuals
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 claim governments must invest in building hospitals, I fully believe funds should be spent on introducing new football and basketball
facilities
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.
This
Linking Words
 is primarily because it is more cost-effective and it improves
people
Use synonyms
's
health
Use synonyms
.

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task response
Your view is clear from the start, and you answer both parts of the question. However, explain more fully why sports places should get more money than health care. For example, say that sport can stop some health problems before people need a doctor, but hospitals are still needed for serious illness.
task response
Your two main ideas are useful: sport can help health, and sports places may cost less. The second idea needs care. A government does not only pay to build a hospital; it also pays to keep people alive and treat illness. Show that you understand this other side before giving your own view.
task response
The examples are clear, but the study facts are very exact and may not sound true without a source. You can use a more natural example, such as: "For example, free local gyms and parks can help people walk, run, and play sport each week."
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear four-part plan: introduction, two main paragraphs, and conclusion. Keep this plan. Make the first sentence of each main paragraph shorter and more direct.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. You use "This is because", "Furthermore", "In other words", and "For instance" well, but some links repeat the same point. Add a clear link to compare the two choices, such as "However, health care is still important for people who are already ill."
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because the word form is not right. Use: "more healthy" or "healthier", not "more healthier"; "sports buildings" or "sports facilities", not "sports building"; and "the best approach is to build", not "is to building".
task response
You give a clear opinion and keep the same view in all parts of the essay.
task response
You use two main reasons and give an example for each one.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are both present and clearly state your main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Each main paragraph stays on one main point, so the reader can follow your ideas easily.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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