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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

It is important for everyone, including young people, to save money for their future. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

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Introduction
Most
people
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, especially adults, consider that saving
money
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 has
beneficial
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a beneficial
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 aspect for their future
life
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.
As
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From
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 my perspective, I agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement, because young
people
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 actually need to
spare
Verb problem
save
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 their salary to support and guarantee their future
life
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,
for instance
Linking Words
building
Punctuation problem
, building
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 a family, so they do not need to
work
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 as hard as young
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life
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people
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.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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 with, the awareness of
keeping
Verb problem
earning
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 some salary
of
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from
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work
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 has already been a critical purpose for young adults.
In addition
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, by saving some spare
money
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, they will get a guarantee to live properly,
for example
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living
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, living
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 with family. As far as I am
concerced
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concerned
, having a family highly need much
money
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 to support family needs,
such
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 as
child's
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children's
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 school, family's assurance, and other unexpected spending.
However
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,
this
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phenomena
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phenomenon
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 will be a difficult step if they only
work
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 in
workplace
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the workplace
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 with
moderate
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a moderate
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 salary.
Hence
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, they need some strategies to keep their
money
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safely
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safe
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 before reaching old age
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apply
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life
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.
Body paragraph 2
One of the
example
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examples
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 that may be able to make
this
Linking Words
 step easier is by making an investment,
such
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 as
gold
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. Basically,
gold
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 is one type of investment that
often
Verb problem
is often
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 called
as
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apply
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a
safety heaven
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safe haven
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, so it is possibly
perfect
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a perfect
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 step if young
people
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 understand and spare
money
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 to invest in
gold
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.
While
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 they
already
Verb problem
have already
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reach
Wrong verb form
reached
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 old
aged
Replace the word
age
, they are able to take out the
money
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 from selling
gold
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 for their additional income.
Therefore
Linking Words
, they can live peacefully without any need to
work
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 in
formal
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the formal
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 industry.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I believe that the awareness of saving
money
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 will be an
advantages
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advantage
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 for young
people
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 to ensure their future
life
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,
such
Linking Words
 as building a family, supporting a child, and giving an opportunity to buy
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
precious stuff.

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task response
State your view more clearly in the first paragraph. You agree, but say how far you agree and give two main reasons that you will explain.
task response
Develop each main idea with a clear reason and a real or clear example. For example, explain how savings can help with a child’s school costs or a sudden health problem.
task response
Be careful with the idea that young people can stop working when they are old. Saving money may help, but it may not be enough. Add a balanced point: young people should save, but they should also meet their needs now.
task response
The gold example is linked to the topic, but it takes too much space. Focus first on saving money itself. You can say that gold is only one possible way to save or grow money.
coherence and cohesion
Use a simple plan: introduction, one paragraph about family and future costs, one paragraph about unexpected needs and saving plans, then a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body paragraph with one clear main idea. Some sentences now repeat the same point about future life, work, and old age without adding a new reason.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Words such as 'For example', 'As a result', and 'However' should show a clear link. Do not use 'However' when the next sentence simply gives another point.
coherence and cohesion
Make the meaning of key words clear and keep the same words. For example, use 'young people', 'savings', and 'future costs' instead of changing to unclear phrases such as 'old aged' or 'young life'.
task response
You give a clear opinion in support of saving money, and your ideas about family costs and unexpected spending are relevant.
task response
The example of saving through gold shows an effort to give a specific way that young people can prepare for the future.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear beginning, two main body paragraphs, and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use some useful linking words, such as 'To begin with', 'For example', 'Hence', and 'Therefore'.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial security
  • safety net
  • unforeseen circumstances
  • emergencies
  • future investments
  • retirement planning
  • financial discipline
  • habit of saving
  • amassing wealth
  • substantial fund
  • opportunity cost
  • additional income
  • inflation
  • purchasing power
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