IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that schools should focus more on teaching practical skills, such as managing money and preparing for employment, while others think that traditional academic subjects are more important. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

4.5 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
Recently, there has been a debate among the public about the
more
Rephrase
most
show examples
 vital knowledge for
students
Use synonyms
. Numerous individuals claim
the
Correct word choice
that
show examples
 academic
subjects
Use synonyms
 might benefit learners more because they improve
students
Use synonyms
'
future
Use synonyms
 and expand their
brain
Check wording
brains
show examples
.
In contrast
Linking Words
, others argue that
students
Use synonyms
 must be taught practical
skills
Use synonyms
 primarily because they assist learners in life. I strongly believe that
students
Use synonyms
 should study life
skills
Use synonyms
 rather than traditional academic classes.
Body paragraph 1
On
one
Add an article
the one
show examples
 hand, academic classes can improve
students
Use synonyms
'
future
Use synonyms
career
Check wording
careers
show examples
.
This
Linking Words
 is because when they learn
subjects
Use synonyms
, namely physics,
students
Use synonyms
 will be more likely to get a highly prestigious job in the
future
Use synonyms
, which is a highly crucial subject in
cretain
Correct your spelling
certain
 workplaces.
Moreover
Linking Words
, learning complicated academic
subjects
Use synonyms
 can improve
learners
Check wording
learners'
show examples
 abilities to receive information, because it allows the brain to increase its capacity and receive a larger
amont
Correct your spelling
amount
 of knowledge. To give a clear example, a recent study by King Saud University shows that people who have studied academic
subjects
Use synonyms
 tend to have a bigger brain.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, learning practical
skills
Use synonyms
 can prevent young people from certain crises in the
future
Use synonyms
,
such
Linking Words
 as poverty.
In other words
Linking Words
, when a young individual is aware of managing his budget, he is less likely to face financial problems.
By educating
Change preposition
Educating
show examples
 children about
skills
Use synonyms
 that will help them in the
future
Use synonyms
, which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
 plays a vital role in shaping their
future
Use synonyms
,
they
Correct word choice
and they
show examples
 are going to overcome issues that might have a detrimental effect on them.
This
Linking Words
 demonstrates that schools must educate
students
Use synonyms
 about
skills
Use synonyms
 that
are helping
Wrong verb form
help
show examples
 them, namely
finance
Replace the word
, financial
 management.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 focusing on academic
subjects
Use synonyms
 may provide a better
future
Use synonyms
 career for
students
Use synonyms
, I firmly believe that practical 
skills
Use synonyms
 provide
students
Use synonyms
 with a greater benefit;
this
Linking Words
 is because
it
Fix the agreement mistake
they
show examples
 help them to address some financial problems they might face.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
You discuss both sides and give a clear view. To improve, explain more fully why life skills should have a main place at school, not only why money skills are useful.
task response
Your main ideas are on topic, but some points need more support. For example, say how job skills, such as writing a CV or going to an interview, can help students find work.
task response
Be careful with the study about a bigger brain. It is not clearly linked to better learning or work, so it does not strongly support your point. Use a more direct example instead.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: introduction, one paragraph for each view, and a conclusion. This makes it easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Make the links inside each paragraph clearer. Start with one main point, explain it, then give one example. Some sentences now add ideas without a clear link.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid very long sentences with many parts. For example, the sentence about teaching children skills can be split into two shorter sentences so the meaning is clearer.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Words such as 'for example', 'because', 'as a result', and 'however' can show how one idea leads to the next.
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you show both views and clearly say that you support practical skills.
task response
The money example is relevant and clear. It shows how practical skills may help young people avoid money problems.
coherence and cohesion
Each main paragraph has a clear focus: academic subjects in the first and practical skills in the second.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion repeats your main view and gives a reason for it, so the essay has a clear ending.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: