IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Many elderly people are no long looked after by their families but are put in care homes or nursing homes. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this trend?

5.0 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
In today’s world, some
people
Use synonyms
 send their older
relatives
Use synonyms
 to
care
Use synonyms
 or nursing
homes
Use synonyms
. Some believe that it is beneficial for them,
while
Linking Words
 others think that it is wrong not to look after elderly
people
Use synonyms
. Both approaches have their advantages and disadvantages, which I will discuss in
this
Linking Words
 essay.
Body paragraph 1
People
Use synonyms
 are becoming more and more busy
due to
Linking Words
 life circumstances
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 they are not able to balance their work, children’s
up bringing
Correct your spelling
upbringing
 and looking after their parents/grandparents.
Therefore
Linking Words
, there are some organisations that create facilities for the elderly
ones
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
to live.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, some governments establish
care
Use synonyms
 and nursing
homes
Use synonyms
 to help their lonely and elderly residents.
For example
Linking Words
, it is beneficial for a homeless person who is a pensioner and has no
relatives
Use synonyms
 to ask for
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
help
,
Add a semicolon
;
show examples
 staying at retirement
homes
Use synonyms
 is the only good option for him.
Moreover
Linking Words
, families who cannot support the
care
Use synonyms
 for their senior family members
,
Verb problem
find
show examples
 that these houses work the best.
Linking Words
This
Fix the agreement mistake
These
show examples
 houses provide good health
care
Use synonyms
, opportunities to make new friends and not feel lonely.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, some
people
Use synonyms
 would find it disrespectful to send their old
relatives
Use synonyms
 to a
Use synonyms
homes
Check wording
home
show examples
. From their perspective,
Ignoring
Fix capitalization
ignoring
show examples
 and not financing the needs of older
relatives
Use synonyms
 can be the worst description for a person.
For instance
Linking Words
, a child who has abandoned his lovely mother after getting
old
Correct word choice
older
show examples
 cannot be considered
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a good person. Younger generations have to take
care
Use synonyms
 of older generations as they have
taken
Verb problem
been taken
show examples
care
Use synonyms
 of in the past.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, numerous old
people
Use synonyms
 dream about spending time with their families
even
Punctuation problem
, even
show examples
 for a few minutes,
instead
Linking Words
 of spending the rest of their
life
Check wording
lives
show examples
 with
people
Use synonyms
 they do not know.
Conclusion
In conclusion, both approaches have their advantages and disadvantages.
Although
Linking Words
care
Use synonyms
 and nursing
homes
Use synonyms
 have their benefits, I believe that elderly
people
Use synonyms
 should live with their families near their children and grandchildren.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
You answer both parts of the task: you give good and bad points, and you give your own view at the end. To make your ideas stronger, explain each point more fully. For example, say why trained staff can give better daily care, and why family time can make old people feel safe and loved.
task response
Some examples are clear, but they are very general. Add one more real-life detail to each main point. For example, a care home can help an old person take medicine on time, while family visits can help an old person feel less alone.
task response
Keep your view clear all through the essay. You say that homes can help some people, but you also say old people should live with family. Explain that a care home may be best when a person has no family or needs full-time health care.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending. This makes it easy to follow. In each body part, begin with one main point, explain it, give an example, and then link it back to the question.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more natural way. You use words like “Furthermore” and “Moreover” many times. Try simple links such as “Also”, “As a result”, “For this reason”, and “However” when they fit the meaning.
coherence and cohesion
Make some sentences clearer by fixing the order of ideas. For example, change “families who cannot support the care for their senior family members, that these houses work the best” to “These homes can be a good choice for families who cannot give full-time care to older family members.”
coherence and cohesion
Use the same words for the main idea. Choose “care homes” or “nursing homes” and use them in a clear way. Also, say “older people” or “elderly people” rather than “elderly ones.”
task response
You deal with both the good and bad sides of care homes, and your ending gives a clear personal view.
task response
Your points are on topic: health care, friendship, loneliness, family duty, and time with children and grandchildren.
coherence and cohesion
The four-part shape of your essay is clear: introduction, advantages, disadvantages, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use examples to help the reader understand your points, such as an old person with no family and a mother left by her child.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Professional care
  • Medical attention
  • Trained staff
  • Social interaction
  • Combat loneliness
  • Safety and security
  • Relief for families
  • Loss of autonomy
  • Emotional impact
  • Cost
  • Financial strain
  • Quality of care
  • Neglect and abuse
  • Detachment from family
  • Mental wellbeing
What to do next:
Look at other essays: