IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

It is often said that governments spend too much money on projects to protect wildlife, while there are other problems that are improving. Do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
Allocating funds
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 endangered animals’ projects
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 gradually gained popularity all around the world.
While
Linking Words
 protecting biodiversity is one of the most thought-provoking concerns these days,
i
Fix capitalization
I
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 fully agree that governments should invest their budget
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 more important issues
such
Linking Words
 as healthcare service and education of
people
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, one of the major causes of
animals’
Check wording
animal
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 extinction is climate change and global warming.
Firstly
Linking Words
, overpopulation and urban expansion cause deforestation and
destroying
Wrong verb form
destroy
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 forests , which
result
Correct subject-verb agreement
results
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 in threatening wildlife and endangered species .
Therefore
Linking Words
, governments can invest in some campaigns and projects to raise
Use synonyms
people
Check wording
people's
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 awareness about the importance of flora and fauna in nature.
Moreover
Linking Words
, they can design some programs to optimising life of all living creatures in
wild
Add an article
the wild
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 and prevent them from habitat loss.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, each country has numerous issues that should be managed, which can improve
life quality
Correct word order
the quality of life
show examples
 of
people
Use synonyms
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
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 as better educational and health services; these issues may be more important than protecting wildlife.
For instance
Linking Words
, during Covid-19 the situation of lots of patients
were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
show examples
 exacerbated in many
unprivileged
Correct word choice
underprivileged
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 countries
due to
Linking Words
 the low quality cares and shortages of medical stuff. The public sector can allocate more
fund
Check wording
funds
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 in upgrading facilities for
people
Use synonyms
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
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 as building some equipped hospitals and educating more healthcare workers.
As a result
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, the number of
the causalities
Check wording
casualties
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 and fatalities during hardships and unpredicted situation may be decreased.
Conclusion
in
Capitalize the word
In
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 conclusion,
although
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 governments can invest money
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 wildlife and endangered species to save the environment, I believe that many poor and unprivileged
area
Check wording
areas
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 face more serious problems
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
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 as
underdeveloped
Add an article
an underdeveloped
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 healthcare system
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 is better to be handled first.

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Task response
Your view is clear: you agree that health and school needs should come first. To make your answer stronger, explain more fully why these needs must get more public money than wildlife plans. You could also say that some wildlife work can still be done, but it should not take money from life-saving care.
Task response
The Covid-19 example is useful and fits your main point. Make it more direct by showing how a lack of hospital staff, beds, or medicine can lead to more deaths. This will better support your view.
Coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an ending. However, the first main part mostly explains why wildlife needs help, while your view says other needs are more important. Link this part back to your main view more clearly.
Coherence and cohesion
Use clear linking words to show the contrast between the two sides. For example: “Although wildlife protection is important, health and school services should come first when money is limited.”
Coherence and cohesion
Keep each paragraph focused on one main idea. In the first body paragraph, explain why wildlife protection matters. In the second, explain why health and school services should have first place. End each paragraph with a short sentence that connects to your main view.
Task response
You answer the question directly and keep the same view from the start to the end.
Task response
You use a real-world example about Covid-19, which helps make your point more believable.
Coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because it has an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
Coherence and cohesion
Words such as “On the one hand”, “On the other hand”, “For instance”, and “As a result” help guide the reader through your ideas.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • biodiversity
  • ecological balance
  • safeguard
  • natural habitats
  • foster
  • cultural of conservation
  • long-term ecological sustainability
  • economic benefits
  • significant source of revenue
  • investment
  • nation’s economic wealth
  • preservation of ecosystems
  • clean water and air
  • prioritization
  • multi-faceted government budgets
  • environmental protection
  • wildlife conservation
  • neglecting
  • detrimental effects
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