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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Research have shown that overeating is as harmful as smoking.Advertisement of certain food items should be banned as cigarettes in some countries.to what extent do you agreed or disagree?

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
Undoubtedly, some
foods
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 would bring negative impact
for
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on
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people
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's
body
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bodies
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. Some
people
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 contend that the government should restricted
advertisement
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 for harmful food items,
such
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 as cigarettes. As for my perspective, I am holding an ideal opinion of
this
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 statement, and the reasons will be elaborated on as follows.
Body paragraph 1
Banning
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advertisement
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advertisements
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 can
decrease
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information
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the information
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gotten by
Verb problem
apply
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people
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, when
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get. When
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 they purchase necessities, they could neglect items they are not
familliar
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familiar
 with.
In other words
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,
people
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 prefer to buy
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product
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products
show examples
 they hear
from
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about from
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advertisement
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, if descend harmful
foods
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 appear in
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advertisement
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advertisements
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, they
do
Verb problem
are
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 not
have
Verb problem
apply
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attractive to
costumer
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customers
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. Take my friend as an example. Owing to
there
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the fact that there
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 are
not
Rephrase
no
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 peers or friends smoking, he
do
Correct subject-verb agreement
does
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 not buy cigareets too. Because they can not see
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advertisement
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advertisements
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 about
this
Linking Words
 kind of food in Taiwan,
so their
Correct word choice
they
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 lose
oppertunities
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opportunities
 to connnect of these
foods
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.
Consequently
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, they
do
Verb problem
are
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 not intrest of smoking.
Body paragraph 2
In addition
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, losing
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advertisement
Replace the word
advertising
 to announce
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product
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products
show examples
, companies will
decrease
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 their production to follow the
rule
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rules
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 of the
counties
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countries
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.
That is
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,
manufactors
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manufacturers
 will
changed
Wrong verb form
change
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 by the new policy because they do not have
method
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a method
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 to
sale
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sell
 their harmful
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product
Check wording
products
show examples
. Based on a study from National Taiwan University, more than 30% of business narrowed their agent of
cigaretts
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cigarettes
, their sales
decrease
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 by the policy and
decrease
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 its sales, so they
adjust
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adjusted
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 their
product
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.
Therefore
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, banning
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advertisement
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advertisements
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 can
affct
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affect
companies decision
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companies' decisions
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.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
base
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based
 on the aforementioned, banning
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advertisement
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advertisements
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 is better for
resident
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residents
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 to know harmful
foods
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due to
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 decreasing
chance
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the chance
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 to know it
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 companies will adjust themselves.

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task response
State your view more clearly in the first paragraph. Say if you agree fully, partly, or disagree. Your main view is hard to understand because “an ideal opinion” is not clear.
task response
Answer the full question. Explain which food should be limited, such as food with much sugar, salt, or fat. Also explain why it is like cigarettes and why ads should be banned.
task response
Develop each main point with a clear reason and result. For example: food ads can make children want fast food; this may lead to poor health; so limits may help.
task response
Your smoking example does not fit the point about harmful food very well. Use an example about fast food, sweet drinks, or snacks instead.
coherence and cohesion
Use a simple plan: introduction, two body paragraphs, and conclusion. Each body paragraph should have one clear main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Make links between ideas clear. Do not say that banning ads gives people less information and then say this is good without explaining why. Show the full link step by step.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear linking words correctly: “First”, “For example”, “As a result”, and “In conclusion”. Avoid long sentences with many unclear ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the same subject in each paragraph. The first body paragraph moves between food ads, smoking, friends, and Taiwan, so it is hard to follow.
task response
You give a clear overall view that harmful food ads should be limited.
task response
You try to support your ideas with an example and a study.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two main paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some useful linking phrases, such as “In addition” and “In conclusion”.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • excessive consumption
  • overeating habits
  • unhealthy food products
  • high in sugar, salt and fat
  • processed food
  • fast-food advertising
  • sugary drinks
  • long-term health risks
  • obesity-related illnesses
  • heart disease
  • type 2 diabetes
  • public health concern
  • target young consumers
  • influence children's choices
  • advertising restrictions
  • a complete ban
  • consumer freedom
  • clear warning labels
  • nutrition education
  • promote healthier options
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