IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people say that it is not possible to be happy without money, while others think that money does not gaurantee happiness. Discusss both views and give your own opinion.

4.5 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
Some groups of
people
Use synonyms
 have
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
different views about
money
Use synonyms
, the first
one
Use synonyms
 says that it is impossible to be happy without
money
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, others believe that
this
Linking Words
 does not ensure happiness. I support the former view for
one
Use synonyms
 reason that
money
Use synonyms
 may secure
people
Use synonyms
 with finding good care or cures, but it is not able to prevent
illiness
Correct your spelling
illness
 or death for
people
Use synonyms
. These two aspects that
money
Use synonyms
 cannot prevent
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
are
source
Add an article
a source
show examples
 of
sadness
Use synonyms
 for
people
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 1
On the
one
Use synonyms
 hand,
money
Use synonyms
 is able to not make
boared
Correct your spelling
bored
, because
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
they have it, they do new activities from
time
Use synonyms
 to
time
Use synonyms
. Borden is feeling
Use synonyms
people
Correct word choice
that people
show examples
 may feel it when
do
Correct pronoun usage
they do
show examples
 not engage in new activities
usually
Rephrase
apply
show examples
or do the same
one
Use synonyms
 for a long
time
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, if
people
Use synonyms
tended
Wrong verb form
tend
show examples
 to go to the same parks usually, because they do not have enough
money
Use synonyms
 to travel, they might feel
boared
Correct your spelling
bored
 from
this
Linking Words
. Some rescearches have showed that
boarden
Correct your spelling
boredom
 as a feeling could come with
sadness
Use synonyms
 sometimes.
This
Linking Words
 may be because at
this
Linking Words
time
Use synonyms
people
Use synonyms
 probably think more than
other
Change preposition
at other
show examples
Use synonyms
time
Check wording
times
show examples
 when they are excited or happy. So, at
this
Linking Words
Use synonyms
time
Punctuation problem
time,
show examples
people
Use synonyms
's thoughts may be more negative.
This
Linking Words
 can be different if
people
Use synonyms
 have
money
Use synonyms
 when they are not able to face
this
Linking Words
 feeling usually.
This
Linking Words
 is
duo
Use the right word
due
show examples
 to
that
Check wording
the fact that
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 who have
money
Use synonyms
 may be able to do different activities
overtime
Use the right word
over time
show examples
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, they might be able to travel every weekend
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 if they had
money
Use synonyms
.
As a
Linking Words
result
Add a comma
result,
show examples
this
Linking Words
 feeling may be eliminated from their lives.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
money
Use synonyms
 may not be able to prevent sad events from happening to its owners. Surely,
money
Use synonyms
 is important to secure
people
Use synonyms
at the
Change preposition
during times
show examples
time
Use synonyms
 of
hardships
Check wording
hardship
show examples
 or to find good care in better places
at the
Change preposition
during times
show examples
time
Use synonyms
 of
illnesses
Check wording
illness
show examples
.But
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
money
Use synonyms
 is less likely to ensure that they will not be ill or be dead. These two examples can bring
sadness
Use synonyms
 to
people
Use synonyms
 regardless of how much
money
Use synonyms
 they have. Joan Didion
who
Punctuation problem
, who
show examples
 writes about
this
Linking Words
 in her book
a year
Capitalize the proper name
A Year
show examples
 of magical thinking to describe that she paid
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the hospital that
host
Wrong verb form
hosted
show examples
 her daughter more
money
Use synonyms
 than usual at the
time
Use synonyms
 to use
cutting-edge
Add an article
a cutting-edge
show examples
 cure for her
daugther
Correct your spelling
daughter
.
At the end
Linking Words
, they failed to cure her,
then
Linking Words
 throughout the book Joan
write
Correct subject-verb agreement
writes
show examples
 about the negative outcome of
this
Linking Words
 on her life.
Consequently
Linking Words
,
money
Use synonyms
 may ensure that
people
Use synonyms
 have
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
good care, but it is not able to prevent hardships that are associated with
sadness
Use synonyms
 from
occuring
Correct your spelling
occurring
 to
people
Use synonyms
.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
money
Use synonyms
 is able to not make
people
Use synonyms
 boared which is associated with
sadness
Use synonyms
. It cannot
also
Linking Words
 ensure that hardships are not happening in the future
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
associated
Verb problem
is associated
show examples
 with
sadness
Use synonyms
 for
people
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Discuss both views in a more even way. The first body part should explain why money can help people feel happy, and the second should explain why it cannot. Make your own view clear and keep it the same from start to end.
task response
Your main idea is clear, but it is too narrow. You focus mostly on boredom and illness. Add other clear ideas, such as food, a safe home, free time, close family, health, and a sense of purpose.
task response
Use an example that is simple and easy to check. The story about Joan Didion is not fully clear and has many language errors. A short general example about a rich person who feels alone would work well.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an end. Keep this plan, but make the first main part match the view that money is needed for happiness more directly.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph start with one clear main sentence. Then give one reason, one example, and a short result. This will help the reader follow your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Use link words with care: 'For example', 'However', 'As a result', and 'In contrast'. Do not repeat 'money may' and 'sadness' too often. Use short, direct sentences.
coherence and cohesion
The last paragraph should state your final view more clearly. Say whether money is necessary for a good life but not enough for full happiness, or whether you fully support one side.
task response
You answer both sides of the question and give your own view in the first paragraph.
task response
You try to support your points with reasons and an example, rather than only giving short claims.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear overall shape: introduction, two main paragraphs, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some useful linking words, such as 'On the one hand', 'On the other hand', 'For example', and 'Consequently'.
Word Count

IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.

A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.

Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: