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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that children should be taught how to become responsible members of society by their parents, while others think that schools are the best place to teach them this. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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Introduction
In recent years, there has been a growing debate among individuals about who must teach
children
Use synonyms
 to be a good part of society. Numerous people argue that schools hold the responsibility because
parents
Use synonyms
 do not have enough time.
However
Linking Words
, I strongly believe that
children
Use synonyms
 must be taught about their social responsibilities because they have a substantial effect on them.
Body paragraph 1
On one hand, those who support that schools must have the responsibility for teaching
children
Use synonyms
 claim that numerous
parents
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 do not have enough time to educate their
children
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.
In other words
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, many
parents
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 work for extended hours in order to make
their
Correct determiner usage
a
show examples
 living, which has a detrimental effect on their ability to teach their sons.
Furthermore
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, schools are
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 suitable place for learners to be taught how to be a good part of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society.
This
Linking Words
 is because
children
Use synonyms
 spend many hours on
regular
Add an article
a regular
show examples
 basis at school,
while
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 students are being
supervise
Wrong verb form
supervised
show examples
 by highly professional teachers. To give a clear example, a recent study by Duke University highlights that
children
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 are highly
effected
Use the right word
affected
show examples
 by the teachers they like in school.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, a significant reason why I fully believe that
parents
Use synonyms
 should teach their
children
Use synonyms
 is that young people are mostly influenced by their
parents
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.
This
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 is because they are with their
children
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 since an early stage, which builds a strong relationship between a son and his
parents
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;
this
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 can
helps
Wrong verb form
help
show examples
 the
parents
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 to raise their child successfully and educate him how to be a good member of society.
Moreover
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,
this
Linking Words
 strong impact
parents
Use synonyms
 have on their sons can effectively help them to make
him a
Fix the agreement mistake
their sons
show examples
 good
citizen
Check wording
citizens
show examples
. To
illustrates
Wrong verb form
illustrate
show examples
, recent research indicates that moms
are having
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 a significant effect on their babies because they are the best person for them.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 teaching
children
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 in school can be an effective approach, I firmly believe that
parents
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 have a strong influence on their
children
Use synonyms
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 they should educate them.

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Task response
You discuss both sides and give a clear view. To make your ideas stronger, explain more clearly what parents can teach at home, such as care, respect, and how to act with other people.
Task response
Your main view is clear, but one line in the opening is not complete: “children must be taught ... because they have a substantial effect on them.” Say who “they” are and what effect they have.
Task response
Use examples that are clear and natural. The Duke study and the research about mothers are not explained enough. A simple real-life example may work better.
Coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: opening, one side, the other side, and ending. Keep this four-part plan.
Coherence and cohesion
Use clear links between ideas. Some sentences are too long and join many ideas with “because” or “which.” Make shorter sentences so each idea is easy to follow.
Coherence and cohesion
Be careful with repeated words such as “children,” “parents,” and “good member of society.” You can sometimes use “young people,” “mothers and fathers,” or “responsible citizen.”
Coherence and cohesion
Make each example directly support the point before it. For example, after saying teachers affect children, explain how this helps children learn to act well in society.
Task response
You answer all parts of the question: you explain the school view, the parent view, and your own view.
Task response
Your opinion is easy to find and stays the same from the opening to the end.
Coherence and cohesion
The main paragraphs each have one clear focus, which makes the essay easy to follow.
Coherence and cohesion
You use useful signposts, such as “On one hand,” “On the other hand,” and “In conclusion.”
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