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Band 4.5

The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the healthcare system. Some believe that introducing more physical education lessons in schools is the best way to address this issue. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
Many people
believes
Correct subject-verb agreement
believe
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 that having more physical education
class
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classes
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 in
schools
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are
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is
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 the best way to reduce residents' overweight problem
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 is putting a strain on the healthcare system. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I am going to discuss why I
am
Verb problem
apply
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agree that
schools
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 should
introdce
Correct your spelling
introduce
 more
phsical
Correct your spelling
physical
 lessons to their
students
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.
Body paragraph 1
In my view, it is
necessery to
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necessary
 for
schools
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 to introduce more physical classes
,
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;
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 there are several reasons.
First,
Linking Words
it is necessary to teach the
students
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they
Correct word choice
that they
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 should exercise
regulary
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regularly
 and have a healthy working
scheldule
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schedule
. If
students
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 are used to
play
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playing
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 sports or
excercise
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exercising
 after studying, it is more
possibe
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possible
 they
are
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will
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 stay with
this
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habbit
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habit
 after
graduate
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graduation
.
For example
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, many high school
students
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 in Taiwan love to play basketball after classes, those
students
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 keep the
habbit
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habit
; and after
graduation
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graduation,
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 they will still go out for a basketball game when they have
a
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apply
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free time.
Moreover
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, many residents in Taiwan
works
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work
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 in
IT
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the IT
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 or
semi-conductor
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semiconductor
 industries; most of the workers are working under high stress. If
schools
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 teach the
students
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 how to maintain a healthy working schedule, those
students
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 will know how to relieve their stress with regular exercise
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 can help them to face their
high tension
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high-tension
 occupation.
Body paragraph 2
Moreover
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,
overwight
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being overweight
 is the main purpose lead to many diseases,
such
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 as high blood pressure, heart attack and
cancers
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cancer
show examples
.
According to
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 the data which are
provised
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provided
 by Taiwan's health insurance administration, the government have to pay billions of
dollar
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dollars
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 on those diseases' medicines. If
scolar
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scholars
 learn how to prevent getting overweight,
then
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 the government can move
those
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that
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insurance's
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insurance
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 money to pay
other
Change preposition
for other
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 high price treatment for those who need but cannot afford
it
Fix the agreement mistake
them
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.
Besides
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, it is possible to extend the residents' average
live
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life expectancy
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 and have more healthy life time to
contibite
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contribute
 and stay with their family.
Conclusion
In summary, I believe that having physical education lessons in
schools
Use synonyms
 is very important. Not only
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students will
Correct word order
will students
show examples
 keep the exercise habit after graduation, but
also
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 release a lot of stress on the insurance system. The government can spend more budget on the treatment that really
need
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needs
show examples
.

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task response
State your view more clearly in the first paragraph. Say that you agree, but explain how far you agree. You could also say that school sport is one part of the answer, while food habits and work life also matter.
task response
Develop each main point more fully. Explain the full link: more school sport can build a life-long habit; this can help people stay at a healthy weight; then fewer people may need care for weight-related illness.
task response
Your Taiwan example is useful, but make it more clear and less personal. For example: school basketball clubs can help young people enjoy exercise, so they may keep playing as adults.
task response
Be careful with facts. The claim about health costs needs a clear source and a more exact link to the question. It is often safer to use a general example unless you can explain the data well.
coherence and cohesion
Use a simple plan: introduction, one body paragraph about habits, one body paragraph about health costs, then a short conclusion. This will make your ideas easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body paragraph with one clear main idea. For example: “First, more PE can help children build an exercise habit.” Then give an example and explain its result.
coherence and cohesion
Do not repeat “Moreover” at the start of two paragraphs. Use a wider range of links, such as “First,” “Also,” “As a result,” and “For this reason.”
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because too many ideas are joined together. Keep sentences short and put one main idea in each sentence.
task response
You give a clear view that schools should add more physical education lessons.
task response
You include reasons about exercise habits, stress, health, and public health costs. These are linked to the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two main body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use linking words such as “First,” “For example,” “Moreover,” “Besides,” and “In summary” to guide the reader.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • overweight population
  • strain on the healthcare system
  • physical education lessons
  • develop healthy habits
  • regular physical activity
  • a sedentary lifestyle
  • childhood obesity
  • balanced diet
  • unhealthy eating habits
  • processed food
  • sugary drinks
  • nutritional education
  • healthier school meals
  • preventive measure
  • long-term health benefits
  • public health campaign
  • junk-food advertising
  • a combined approach
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