IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

recently, Australian children became fat. people claim it is schools responsibility to look after children health and exercise time. To what extent do you agree or disagree??

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
Currently, Australia has more and more fat kids.
This
Linking Words
 takes some
people attention to say that academic instituations
Correct word order
people's attention to say that academic institutions
show examples
 are
suppose
Wrong verb form
supposed
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 to be responsibile to supervise
kids
Check wording
kids'
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health
Use synonyms
 and exercise
time
Use synonyms
. I partly agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement
Punctuation problem
, when
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when
Correct word choice
as
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also
Linking Words
parents
Use synonyms
 can
take
Rephrase
also take
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 a
part
Use synonyms
 in
this
Linking Words
responsibility
Use synonyms
 to look after
Use synonyms
Correct determiner usage
their children
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children
Check wording
children's
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food
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
food
Use synonyms
 is
main
Add an article
the main
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 purpose for
this
Linking Words
 problem, so
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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parents
Use synonyms
 can provide
healthy
Add an article
a healthy
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 one for them. The other
part
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for
Change preposition
of
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this
Linking Words
responsibility
Use synonyms
 is for
schools
Use synonyms
 to make
children
Use synonyms
 do
Use synonyms
work
Correct your spelling
workouts
outs
Use synonyms
 from
time
Use synonyms
 to
time
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 1
Firstly
Linking Words
,
schools
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 have a
responsbility
Correct your spelling
responsibility
 towards
children
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 to make them do
Use synonyms
work
Correct your spelling
workouts
outs
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. Sometimes,
parents
Use synonyms
 may not be
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 home
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 because
their
Change preposition
of their
show examples
work
Use synonyms
 duties. At
this
Linking Words
 point,
children
Use synonyms
 may not be
encourged
Correct your spelling
encouraged
 to exercise by
anyone
Use synonyms
.
As a result
Linking Words
, they can eat and save fats
overtime
Use the right word
over time
show examples
 without doing any movements.
This
Linking Words
 can cause some problems for
children
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,
such
Linking Words
 as obesity or
unhealthy
Replace the word
being
 overweight.
Body paragraph 2
Here are
schools
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 can take
part
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 to solve these problems
with
Change preposition
by
show examples
 making them
doing
Wrong verb form
do
show examples
this
Linking Words
 every day in
schools
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.
Schools
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 can make a
time
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specialy
Correct your spelling
specially
 for
this
Linking Words
 before each lecture to make
children
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 do
Use synonyms
work
Correct your spelling
workouts
outs
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 for a few minutes.
Consequently
Linking Words
,
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children
Punctuation problem
children,
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 especially
australian
Correct your spelling
Australians,
 who do not have free
parents
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 to remind or encourage them to do
this
Linking Words
, because they are busy. Now,
this
Linking Words
 might not cause them to be overweight, because they are able to do
Use synonyms
work
Correct your spelling
workouts
outs
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 in their
schools
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.
Then
Linking Words
, gradually, they can do
this
Linking Words
 with
every day
Correct your spelling
everyday
 school, and
also
Linking Words
 with
Linking Words
this
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
burning unwanted fats in their bodies to not be fat.
Body paragraph 3
Secondly
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,
parents
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 are responsible for looking
for
Change preposition
after
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 their
children
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's
health
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with
Change preposition
by
show examples
 providing healthy
food
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 for them.
Children
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 may be
obise
Correct your spelling
obese
 or gaining high
fats
Check wording
amounts of fat
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 from sugary and unhealthy
food
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. Sometimes,
schools
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 do not provide
food
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 for
children
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 during their
time
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 there. So, it is reasonable for
parents
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 to ensure that their
children
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 would not buy or think about unhealthy
food
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 which are able to harm their
health
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. For
children
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,
parents
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 may know their
favorite
Change the spelling
favourite
show examples
food
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 for their
children
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, so they can provide healthy alternatives for them to not buy the unhealthy one.
For example
Linking Words
, there are
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
cookies that contain high proportions of sugar which are
harmdul
Correct your spelling
harmful
 for kids'
health
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. So, if those
children
Use synonyms
 tended to buy
this
Linking Words
,
parents
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 could provide
homemade
Add an article
a homemade
show examples
 one for them.
This
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 homemade alternative can be made with other healthy
ingrediants
Correct your spelling
ingredients
.
This
Linking Words
 might make
children
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more
Rephrase
apply
show examples
healthier
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 if they were not eating any unhealthy
food
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.
Lastly
Linking Words
,
Linking Words
this
Fix the agreement mistake
these
show examples
parents
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
responsibility
Verb problem
are
show examples
 more
than
Correct word choice
responsible than
show examples
anyone
Use synonyms
 else, because they may know their
Use synonyms
children prefferances
Correct your spelling
children's preferences
 more than
anyone
Use synonyms
 else. So, they might be useful to provide them
other
Change preposition
with other
show examples
 healthier alternatives
from
Change preposition
to
show examples
 their
favorite
Change the spelling
favourite
show examples
food
Use synonyms
.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I partly agree with
this
Linking Words
 that
there are
Verb problem
apply
show examples
busy
parents
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 are not able to remind their
children
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 about
Use synonyms
work
Correct your spelling
workouts
outs
Use synonyms
 from
time
Use synonyms
 to
time
Use synonyms
.
Here
Correct pronoun usage
It
show examples
 is
school's
Add an article
the school's
show examples
responsibility
Use synonyms
 to provide a
time
Use synonyms
 for
this
Linking Words
 to prevent them from being overweight. The other
part
Use synonyms
 of the
responsibility
Use synonyms
 is for
parents
Use synonyms
 toward their
children
Use synonyms
food
Use synonyms
 to provide them
their
Change preposition
with their
show examples
favorite
Change the spelling
favourite
show examples
food
Use synonyms
 in
healthy
Add an article
a healthy
show examples
 way to not to make them buy other unhealthy
.
Check wording
foods.
show examples
This
Linking Words
 is because they may know their
favorite
Change the spelling
favourite
show examples
food
Use synonyms
than
Rephrase
better than
show examples
anyone
Use synonyms
.

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task response
State your view more clearly in the first paragraph. Say that schools and parents should share the job, then keep this same view in all body paragraphs.
task response
Explain why school exercise time can help, but also say that a few minutes before every class may not be enough. Give a more real plan, such as regular sport classes and healthy school meals.
task response
Develop the parent point with one clear idea: parents choose, buy, and make most food at home. Then show how this can cut sugar and fast food.
task response
Your cookie example is useful, but make it clearer and shorter. Explain what the child eats now, what the parent gives instead, and why this is better.
coherence and cohesion
Use a simple four-part plan: introduction, school paragraph, parent paragraph, conclusion. Your essay mostly follows this plan, but some ideas repeat too much.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph start with one clear main sentence. For example: “Schools should give children regular time for exercise.” Then add reasons and one example.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid very long sentences with many ideas. Break them into short sentences so the reader can follow your meaning more easily.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words carefully. Words such as “First”, “Also”, “For example”, “However”, and “Therefore” can show the link between ideas. Do not use “Here” when you mean “In this case” or “At this point”.
coherence and cohesion
Do not repeat “work outs”, “fat”, and “healthy food” many times. Use simple different words, such as “exercise”, “overweight”, “good food”, and “healthy meals”.
task response
You answer both sides of the issue by discussing the role of schools and the role of parents.
task response
Your view is clear: schools should help with exercise, while parents should guide children’s food choices.
task response
You include a real example about sugary cookies and a healthier home-made choice.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, two main body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use clear paragraph starts such as “Firstly” and “Secondly”, which helps the reader see your main points.
Word Count

IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.

A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.

Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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