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Writing Samples
Band 8.5

Due to the lack of long-term job security in modern companies, young people should pursue self-employment or freelance work instead of traditional jobs. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

8.5 / 9
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Introduction
Since permanent contracts have become rare, some people advise school leavers and graduates to build their own businesses or work independently rather than seek a conventional position.
While
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 I accept that working for oneself offers freedom and can be highly rewarding, I largely disagree with presenting it as the better path for most young people because they lack the capital, experience and safety net that it demands.
Body paragraph 1
Admittedly, the case for self-employment is not without merit. The most obvious point is that a company can dismiss an employee at any moment, so loyalty no longer guarantees stability,
whereas
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 a freelancer with several clients is never dependent on a single decision. In Morocco,
for instance
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, thousands of young designers and programmers now sell their services online to firms in Europe, which earns them far more than a local salary would. Closely linked to
this
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 is the flexibility of choosing one's own hours and projects, something that office workers rarely enjoy.
Body paragraph 2
Nevertheless
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, independence suits only a minority of twenty-year-olds. The most important reason is that most new ventures fail within their first years, and a beginner who has no savings, no professional network and no record of success is the least able to survive
such
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 a failure. Casablanca,
for example
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, has seen countless small cafés and online shops close within months, and,
consequently
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, their founders ended up in debt
instead
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 of gaining the security they sought.
Moreover
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, a traditional job provides training, mentoring and a reputation that make later freelancing far more likely to succeed. If every graduate skipped
this
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 stage, they would miss the skills that clients actually pay for. In my view,
therefore
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, employment first and independence later is the wiser sequence.
Conclusion
In conclusion, modern companies offer little long-term certainty, yet self-employment is a risk that most young people are unprepared to take. On balance, a few years inside an organisation remain the best foundation for a career of any kind.

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task response
Your view is clear from the start and stays the same: most young people should work in a job first. To make it even stronger, explain more about why job safety is still useful even when jobs may end. For example, say that work skills, pay each month, and help from a team can lower risk.
task response
Your main ideas are well explained. You could add one short point about when self-work may be a good first step, such as for a young person with money, strong skills, or family help. This would make your answer more balanced.
task response
The examples from Morocco and Casablanca fit your ideas well. Be careful with very broad words such as 'thousands' and 'countless' unless you can support them. You can use softer words like 'many' or 'some'.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow: you give the other side, then your own side, and end with a clear final view. Keep this strong order in future essays.
coherence and cohesion
Your links between ideas work well, especially 'Admittedly', 'Nevertheless', 'Moreover', and 'therefore'. Do not add more link words just for style; use them only when they show a real link.
coherence and cohesion
A few sentences are long and hold several ideas. For clearer reading, split them at key points. For example, after the idea about a freelancer having several clients, start a new sentence before the point about not depending on one decision.
task response
You answer all parts of the question and give a clear, steady view throughout the essay.
task response
Your reasons are strong and real: lack of money, work experience, useful contacts, and help after a business fails.
task response
Your examples support your points and are linked directly to young people and work choices.
coherence and cohesion
Each paragraph has one clear main job, so the reader can follow your argument with ease.
coherence and cohesion
The opening gives your main view clearly, and the ending returns to it without adding a new idea.
coherence and cohesion
Ideas move in a natural order, from the good side of self-work to the risks and then to your final view.
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