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Band 4.5

One of the sources of happiness is money. Are there more advantages or disadvantages of being wealthy?

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Introduction
Many
people
Use synonyms
 around the world believe that
money
Use synonyms
 is one of the sources of
happy
Add an article
a happy
show examples
 life. In my view, there are more advantages of being a wealthy
person
Use synonyms
 than disadvantages because sometimes in life unpleasant situations can happen, in which a
person
Use synonyms
 needs to pay
money
Use synonyms
 to solve a problem. So
money
Use synonyms
 often is the best way to resolve the situation.
Body paragraph 1
Firstly
Linking Words
, unfortunately, the best and
difficult
Rephrase
most difficult
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 surgeries are very expensive
but
Punctuation problem
, but
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 most
people
Use synonyms
 don't have sums like
this
Linking Words
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 of
course
Add a comma
course,
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 it's very dangerous for their
relatives
Check wording
relatives'
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 lives or themselves.
For example
Linking Words
, a girl
brake
Use the right word
broke
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 her spine in a training, she had a difficult surgery, which
costed
Wrong verb form
cost
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 a lot. It means that without
wealthy
Add an article
a wealthy
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 family, she would
to stay
Wrong verb form
have stayed
show examples
 an invalid
,
Add a semicolon
;
show examples
 in
this
Linking Words
situation
Add a comma
situation,
show examples
money
Use synonyms
 helps her because she
lied
Wrong verb form
lies
show examples
 in the best city hospital.
Secondly
Linking Words
, in most
cases
Add a comma
cases,
show examples
people
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 need to spend a lot of
money
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 on a good higher education, because nowadays it's very expensive and few
people
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 can afford it.
For
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 reason, it's a big advantage of being wealthy because a
person
Use synonyms
 with higher education will have a priority
than
Change preposition
over
show examples
 a
person
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 without it.
Body paragraph 2
However
Linking Words
,
people
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 can’t buy the main reason
of
Change preposition
for
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 life, in my
opinion
Punctuation problem
opinion,
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 it’s love. The sum for a sincere love doesn’t exist because it’s impossible to buy it,
to
Change preposition
apply
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being a wealthy
person
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 doesn’t help you.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
money
Use synonyms
 solves a lot of problems
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
 it can’t
do
Verb problem
make
show examples
people
Use synonyms
’s lives the happiest because they can’t spend it
for a
Change preposition
on
show examples
 sincere love.

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task response
Give a clear answer in the first paragraph and keep the same view all the way through. You say wealth has more good points, but the last paragraph says money cannot make life happiest. Explain why the good points are still stronger.
task response
Develop each main point more. For health, explain how money can pay for fast care, good doctors, and safe treatment. For education, explain how study can lead to better work and a better life.
task response
Your example about the girl is useful, but make it clear and correct. Say what happened, why the care cost much, and how her family’s money changed the result.
task response
Add a fuller paragraph about the bad side of wealth. For example, rich people may worry about losing money or may not know who truly cares for them. Then compare this with the good sides.
coherence and cohesion
Use one main idea in each body paragraph. Paragraph one can be about health, paragraph two about education, and paragraph three about the limits of money.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas more clearly with simple words such as “Also”, “For example”, “However”, “As a result”, and “In the end”. Do not use “Secondly” if the first point is in a different paragraph without a clear link.
coherence and cohesion
Make the last paragraph match your answer. State that money cannot buy love, but it can still give more help than harm because it can protect health and give more chances in life.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence form so the reader can follow your ideas: “a girl broke her spine”, “she would have stayed disabled”, “she was in the best hospital”, and “being wealthy does not help you buy love”.
task response
You answer the main question and give a clear view that wealth has more good points.
task response
You use real-life areas, health and education, to show why money can help people.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, body paragraphs, and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use words such as “Firstly”, “For example”, “However”, and “In conclusion” to guide the reader.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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