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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some parents give their children money for doing household chores. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

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Introduction
Nowadays, a new topic has arisen in our society
:
Punctuation problem
:
show examples
 some
parents
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 give their
children
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money
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 for doing
household
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chores
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. I believe the advantages do not outweigh the disadvantages because paying for
household
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chores
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 can create selfishness and uncooperative behaviour.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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 with, some
parents
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 give their
children
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money
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 for doing
household
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chores
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.
This
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 can create a gap between family members and has obvious advantages,
such
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 as thinking about improving their budget and the difficulty of earning
money
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. At the same time, disadvantages include arrogance, difficulty getting
along with
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 others because of selfishness and uncooperative behaviour, and a lack of moral character because
money
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 is prioritised too highly.
For example
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, research in Iraq
last
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 year found that 78% of
parents
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 who pay for
household
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chores
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 increase the likelihood of bad behaviour compared to those who do not.
Therefore
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,
parents
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 should teach their
children
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 to cooperate in doing
household
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chores
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.
Body paragraph 2
Another disadvantage is that
children
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 may prefer to stay alone and show little engagement with other family members.
In other words
Linking Words
, they do not discuss, communicate, or have conversations with family members.
For instance
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, in the
last
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 two years, research has been conducted in Iraq, and it has shown that
children
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 who received
money
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 from their
parents
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 for doing
household
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chores
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 have an increased probability of being psychotic in adulthood because of loneliness and depression.
As a result
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,
parents
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 should focus on keeping their
children
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 in sociable, supportive environments by encouraging cooperation in
household
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chores
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 without
money
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.
Conclusion
In conclusion, the advantages do not outweigh the disadvantages, and all
parents
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 must take
this
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 seriously to avoid misunderstandings about how to handle
children
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.
Therefore
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, I believe families should create brochures and programs that show
parents
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 how to help their
children
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 share their new experiences with
household
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chores
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.

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Task response
State your main view in a more direct way: the bad sides are greater than the good sides. Then explain both sides fairly before you say why one side is greater.
Task response
Develop the good side more. For example, money can help a child learn that work takes time, save for a goal, and plan how to use money.
Task response
Make the bad points more closely linked to payment. A child may refuse to help when there is no money, or may see family help as a job. These are clearer than saying they may become psychotic.
Task response
Do not use very strong claims about mental health unless you can fully show why they are true. The Iraq examples seem unlikely and do not clearly prove that payment causes these problems.
Coherence and cohesion
Use one main idea in each body part. The first body part mixes good points, bad points, and your final view. Put the good side in one part and the bad side in the next part.
Coherence and cohesion
Make the first sentence of each body part clear. For example: “One good point is that children can learn the value of money.” Then give one clear example and explain it.
Coherence and cohesion
Use linking words to show the path of your ideas: “On the one hand”, “For example”, “However”, “As a result”, and “Therefore”. Do not repeat “household chores” too often; use “these jobs” or “helping at home” too.
Coherence and cohesion
The last part should repeat your main answer and briefly sum up the two key reasons. The ideas about brochures and programs are new and are not needed in the end.
Task response
You give a clear view from the start and keep the same view until the end.
Task response
You try to use examples to support your points, rather than only making claims.
Coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending.
Coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful links, such as “To begin with”, “For example”, “In other words”, and “In conclusion”.
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