IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

A The first car appeared on British roads in 1888. By the year 2000 there may be as many as 29 million vehicles on British roads. Alternative forms of transport should be encouraged and international laws introduced to control car ownership and use. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your knowledge or experience.

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
Some contend that
the
Correct article usage
apply
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introducing alternative means of
transpoertation
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transportation
 and global regulation on limiting car ownership and usage should be
adovocated
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advocated
.
However
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, I strongly disagree
on
Change preposition
with
show examples
this
Linking Words
 position, because the
overall
Linking Words
 cost required for execution and how effectively
such
Linking Words
policy
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a policy
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 works is suspicious.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, the welcoming new types of transportation often
brings
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bring
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 ill
effect
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effects
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 as a whole,
such
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 as inefficiency of
use
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energy use
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 of energy and
enourmous
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enormous
 financial costs. Because these new forms of alternatives, particularly
eco-friednly
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eco-friendly
 methodologies,
often
Verb problem
are often
show examples
energy-cosuming
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energy-consuming
 under the current technology. A case in point is the new rapid train in Japan, whose energy source is relatively low carbon intensity than the old one, but the efficiency is not so high
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 the construction cost is significantly
high
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higher
.
Furthuremore
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Furthermore
,
this
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 cost is
subsidized
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subsidised
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 by the
governent
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government
,
hence
Linking Words
 many citizens
crisized on
Rephrase
criticised
this
Linking Words
 project.
This
Linking Words
 is
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 good example of defeating the purpose, i.e., people assume setting up
such
Linking Words
 alternative transportation as a goal.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the
implementing
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implementation of
 international regulations
is
Verb problem
apply
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sounds effective, but in
reality
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reality,
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 to ensure its
effect
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effectiveness,
 it is necessary to abide
many country by the rules
Correct word order
by the rules in many countries
show examples
. It is clearly and hugely challenging. In the first
plae
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place
, introducing them may cause potential and profound conflicts between
coutries
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countries
, for
an
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apply
show examples
instance
Japan-US
Rephrase
, the Japan-US
 trade war for
car
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cars
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 in
early
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the early
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 2000s, where the exporting country, i.e., Japan,
was
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apply
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imposed
the
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a
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 high tariff in order to protect
domestinc
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the domestic
 car industry in the importing
one
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country
show examples
, i.e.,
US
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the US
show examples
.
Therefore
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, to guarantee the enforcement among
contries
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countries
 is crucial to perform its effect.
However
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, given the
rapid-changing
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rapidly changing
 situations, including financial crisis and Wars, to agree on the international guidelines in exchange for sacrificing
own
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one's own
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 financial benefits is undisputably challenging.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
the
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apply
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implementing new types
of way
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apply
show examples
of locomotion and introducing multi-national
stadards
Correct your spelling
standards
 are sound attractive and effective.
However
Linking Words
, considering the total
economical
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economic
 burdens, environmental footprints, and potency of regulation, the way I see
is
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it is
show examples
 that people need to be judicious
to
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with
show examples
 these solutions.

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task response
State your view in a more direct way. You say you disagree, but your main point is that the plans may be hard, costly, or weak. Explain why these problems mean that cars should not be controlled in this way.
task response
Answer both parts of the idea: more forms of travel and world rules on car use. Give a clear point for each one, then explain it fully.
task response
Use examples that are clear and safe. The Japan train example needs more facts and a clear link to your point. The Japan–US car example is not clearly about world rules on car ownership or use.
task response
Develop your ideas with a simple chain: point, reason, example, result. For example, say why a new train may cost too much, who pays, and why this may not cut car use.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an end. Make the link between each paragraph and your main view more clear.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph. The first body part moves from new travel forms to energy use, cost, public money, and goals. Use fewer ideas and explain them more fully.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more natural way. Phrases such as “On the one hand” and “On the other hand” often show two sides, but both of your paragraphs support your view. Try “First” and “Second” instead.
coherence and cohesion
Make sentences shorter and more direct. Some sentences are hard to follow because there are too many ideas in one line. This will also make your links between ideas easier to see.
task response
You give a clear overall view and keep this view from the start to the end.
task response
You try to use real-world examples, which can help make an argument more convincing when they are closely linked to the question.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear basic shape: introduction, two body paragraphs, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use signposts such as “However,” “Therefore,” and “In conclusion” to show changes and results in your ideas.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • reliance on
  • regulate
  • traffic congestion
  • pollution
  • public health
  • sustainable development
  • alternative forms of transport
  • car ownership
  • balancing benefits and drawbacks
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