IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that the governments is wasting money on the arts and that this money could be better spent the money elsewhere To what extent do you agree with this view?

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Introduction
There is no doubt that the
government
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 wastes a
lot
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 of
money
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 on the
arts
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.
However
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, I do not believe that they should spend
this
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money
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elsewhere
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.
This
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 essay will provide evidence to support my point of view.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, the
government
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 wastes a
lot
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 of
money
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 on the
arts
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.
Firstly
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, it invests in developing its
arts
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 rapidly.
For
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example
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, it looks forward to making their
country
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 full of
arts
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 in a short time.
Also
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, it led to wasting
money
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 in order to achieve an unrealistic goal.
Secondly
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, it spends a huge amount of
money
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 on artists.
For
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example
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, artists who have outstanding skills are usually few. They get paid generously
due to
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 their impressive skills.
Finally
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, it invests
money
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 in teaching
art
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 methods so as to get skilled artists.
For instance
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,
art
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 students need professional methods and a suitable learning environment.
Furthermore
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, they have to be provided with genius teachers to let their talent reach its full potential.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, I do not think that they should stop investing in
this
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 side.
Firstly
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, the
arts
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 generate
money
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 for the
country
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.
For
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example
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, the
government
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 gets a
lot
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 of
money
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 from museums.
Moreover
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, individuals buy tickets in order to see an unbelievable piece of
art
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.
Secondly
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, the
arts
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 attract many tourists around the world.
For instance
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, tourists travel just to see the
arts
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 that are not in their homeland.
Also
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, interested travellers may spend a fortune in order to travel and see a rare piece of
art
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.
Finally
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, the
arts
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 spread an unbelievable reputation towards the
country
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.
For
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example
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, they put the
country
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 between other major tourist destinations.
Also
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, they provide the
country
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 with a sense of beauty.
Conclusion
In conclusion, it is clear to see that the
government
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 invests a
lot
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 of
money
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 in the
arts
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.
However
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, I believe that it is beneficial and they should not spend the
money
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elsewhere
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.

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Task response
Give a clearer answer in the first paragraph. You say the government wastes money, but you also say it should keep spending. Explain that some spending may be wasteful, while arts funding is still worth it.
Task response
Develop each main idea more fully. For example, explain how museums, shows, and art sites bring money from visitors, jobs, and local business.
Task response
Use more real and clear examples. Instead of saying people see an “unbelievable” work of art, name a museum, a city, or an art event and show how it helps the country.
Task response
Avoid claims that are too broad, such as governments wasting a lot of money or artists being paid very well. Say when this may happen and why.
Coherence and cohesion
Your four-part structure is clear, but the first body paragraph does not fully match your main view. Make it a short point about waste, then clearly show why careful arts spending is still better than cutting all support.
Coherence and cohesion
Use links with care. Words such as “Firstly”, “Secondly”, and “Finally” are helpful, but do not use them in every paragraph. Add clear cause links such as “This means that” and “As a result”.
Coherence and cohesion
Keep each paragraph focused on one main point. The first body paragraph moves from fast growth to artist pay to art teaching. These points need clearer links or separate support.
Coherence and cohesion
Make the conclusion more exact. Restate that public money should support arts that give clear value, while waste should be reduced.
Task response
You answer both sides of the question and give a clear final view: arts funding should not be moved fully to other areas.
Task response
Your points about visitor money, tourists, and the country’s image are relevant reasons for public support for the arts.
Coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
Coherence and cohesion
You use paragraph starts and simple linking words to guide the reader through your ideas.
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