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Band 4.5

in some countries, loneliness and isolation amongst onlder people is increasing an dleading to mental health issues. what do you think are the causes of loneliness and what measures could be taken to solve it?

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Introduction
Among the older
people
Use synonyms
 of some nations,
loneliness
Use synonyms
 and isolation
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 increasing
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
show examples
 to mental health problems. From my point of view, it is increasing because everything is improving in a way that
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 more
reliable
Correct word choice
reliant
show examples
 on
techonology
Correct your spelling
technology
 and everyone is
drowned
Verb problem
drawn
show examples
 to get more use of it for themselves, so that it
cause
Correct subject-verb agreement
causes
show examples
loneliness
Use synonyms
 among
people
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 1
As we grow older, the life standards improve as well
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
then
Linking Words
 it
simulate
Correct subject-verb agreement
stimulates
show examples
 us to work harder and spend most of our
time
Use synonyms
 in our workplace than
our
Change preposition
in our
show examples
 home and with family.
As a result
Linking Words
, less
time
Use synonyms
for spending
Replace the word
spent
 with family may cause isolation and
loneliness
Use synonyms
specially
Rephrase
, especially
 among older
people
Use synonyms
 of the family.
For example
Linking Words
, we see that there are many aged
cares
Check wording
care facilities
show examples
 in
evey suburbs
Rephrase
every suburb
 and the city to take care of older
people
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 is because
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
thier
Correct your spelling
their
 children can't take care of them at home. If they do so, they may not be able to provide
thier
Correct your spelling
their
 daily expenditure.
Additionally
Linking Words
,
uisng
Correct your spelling
using
 social media
Linking Words
also can
Correct word order
can also
show examples
 be one
the
Change preposition
of the
show examples
 causes for
loneliness
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 2
In order to reduce isolation among families, particularly
elderlies
Rephrase
the elderly
, we can try to make
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
more
time
Use synonyms
 to spend with family and parents,
that
Correct word choice
so that
show examples
 nobody
feel
Correct subject-verb agreement
feels
show examples
 isolated.
Also
Linking Words
, we can have a family
time
Use synonyms
role
Use the right word
rule
show examples
 that no phone in family gatherings, so that we can spend
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
quality
time
Use synonyms
 and get digital
detoxe
Correct your spelling
detox
 as well.
For example
Linking Words
, if we plan to spend the weekends with the whole family out or
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 home or any family events, doing something fun and unforgettable may look
small
Change preposition
like small
show examples
 actions, but in
reality
Add a comma
reality,
show examples
 it is a big happiness for older members of
family
Add an article
the family
show examples
 to see everyone around and happy together.
This
Linking Words
 is what can be helpful if everyone
try to do
Verb problem
tries
show examples
 to have
happier
Add an article
a happier
show examples
 and
socialising
Correct word choice
more social
show examples
 family.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I deeply can admit that
how
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
loneliness
Use synonyms
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 affected older
people
Use synonyms
 because of
lack
Add an article
a lack
show examples
family
Change preposition
of family
show examples
time
Use synonyms
 and the
ability
Check wording
inability
show examples
 to go around and do things by themselves. There are some solutions to
this
Linking Words
probles
Correct your spelling
problem,
 though
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 helpful and effective.

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task response
Answer both parts in a more direct way. State the main causes clearly, such as less family time, work, and too much phone use. Then give clear ways to help, such as family visits, local groups, and help at home.
task response
Give more detail about why each cause harms older people. For example, say that when children work long hours, older parents may spend whole days alone and have no one to talk to.
task response
Your ideas about family time are good, but add help from the wider group too. Local clubs, free talks, trips, and home visits can help older people who do not have close family near them.
task response
Make the last part stronger by restating the main causes and the main ways to solve the problem. Do not add a new idea there.
coherence and cohesion
Use one clear topic for each body part. The first body part can be about causes. The second body part can be about ways to solve the problem.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body part with a clear first sentence. For example: “One main cause is that many adults have little time for their older parents.”
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words such as “First”, “Also”, “As a result”, “For example”, and “Therefore”. This will make the flow easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are too long and join many ideas together. Use shorter sentences so the reader can understand each point more easily.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the same words for key ideas. Use “older people” or “elderly people” in the whole essay, rather than changing between many forms.
task response
You answer both the cause and the solution parts of the question.
task response
Your examples of care homes and family time are linked to the topic and help show your meaning.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful linking words, such as “As a result”, “Additionally”, “For example”, and “In conclusion”.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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