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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe it is beneficial for children to attend graduate school, while others argue that children should be given the freedom to choose their own career? Share your opinion?

5.0 / 9
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Introduction
Some assume that enrolling
Use synonyms
graduate
Change preposition
in graduate
show examples
school
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 is worthwhile for undergraduates, but others contend that
optionalities
Rephrase
the option
 of selecting their own
career
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 should be given to them.
Acknowleding
Correct your spelling
Acknowledging
 the value of
graduate
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school
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, whether and when
attending there
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to attend
show examples
 should be decided by individuals' future
goal
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goals
show examples
 and
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interest
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interests
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.
Body paragraph 1
Graduate
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school
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 programs require significant financial burden and time
,
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; however,
show examples
however
Linking Words
; these
value
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values
show examples
 can not fully perform
its
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their
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 effect before determinging student's
interest
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 and
career
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goal
Check wording
goals
show examples
.
For example
Linking Words
, a friend of mine who
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 studied civil engineering at
graduate
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school
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 turned out to apply
a
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for a
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sales position to
prioritze
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prioritise
 more opportunities to
interect
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interact
 with people, which he
realized
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realised
show examples
 as a core component that he
desire
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desired
show examples
 for
working
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a working
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 environment, during his
school
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 time. In
these
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this
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 case,
therefore
Linking Words
,
such
Linking Words
 an investment in programs didn't bring
a
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apply
show examples
significant assistance for shaping up his
career
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.
Hence
Linking Words
,
consitancy
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consistency
 of his
interest
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 and major at
graduate
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school
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 is unreservedly important to reduce the mismatch between
leaning
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learning
show examples
 and
career
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goal
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goals
show examples
.
Body paragraph 2
Entering
business
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the business
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 field enables people to identify a realm to
specialize
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specialise in
show examples
.
For instance
Linking Words
, someone who has
curiousity
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curiosity
 about corporate business strategy associated with M&A can strengthen knowledge if he attends
graduate
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school
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 in finance.
Additionally
Linking Words
, the clear goal and motivation for
leaning maximize
Rephrase
learning maximises
 the outcome of the program. Flexibility to choose
enrolling
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enrollment
 time and subject, thereby, gives people an aid to cultivate their
career
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 target more efficiently.
Conclusion
In conclusion, from
them
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 above, students should have
freedom
Add an article
the freedom
show examples
of choosing
Wrong verb form
to choose
show examples
 whether and when
atteding
Wrong verb form
to attend
show examples
graduate
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school
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. For someone who already has
concrete
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a concrete
show examples
 desire to learn should
enroll
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enrol in
show examples
graduate
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school
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 after graduation, but others are encouraged to find their
interest
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 through job experience and decide later.

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task response
Give your opinion more clearly in the first paragraph. Say that young people should choose if and when to go to graduate school, based on their own aims.
task response
Develop each main point further. Explain more fully why work can help a person find what they want, and why school can help when a career aim is clear.
task response
Your examples are useful, but make the link to your main idea more direct. After each example, state clearly what it shows.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two body paragraphs, and an ending. Make the first body paragraph focus only on the costs of going too early, and the second only on the value of going later.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer links between ideas. For example: “As a result”, “In contrast”, and “For this reason” can show how one idea leads to the next.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because the word order is not clear. Use shorter sentences with one main idea in each sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid unclear phrases such as “from them above” and “attending there”. Use simple, direct wording such as “For these reasons” and “going to graduate school”.
task response
You answer both sides of the question and give a clear view: people should be free to choose whether and when to go to graduate school.
task response
The example about a civil engineering student moving into sales supports your point that study should fit a person’s work aims.
coherence and cohesion
Each body paragraph has a main idea, and the ending returns to your view.
coherence and cohesion
You use some linking words, such as “For example”, “Additionally”, and “Hence”, to guide the reader.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Advanced knowledge
  • Career opportunities
  • Networking opportunities
  • Job satisfaction
  • Passionate
  • Independence
  • Personal growth
  • Investment of time and money
  • Successful career
  • Individual strengths
  • Interests
  • Graduate degree
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