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Band 6

Some people say that the purpose of education is to be useful to society, others say education helps them to achieve personal ambitions.

6.0 / 9
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Introduction
It is commonly argued by some
people
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 that the main reason for
education
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 is to help
people
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 achieve their goals,
while
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 others think
education
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 can have some benefits for
society
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. In my opinion,
although
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 both perspectives are reasonable, I personally believe that
education
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 should serve both of them.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand,
education
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 plays a crucial role in developing
society
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 and improving
folk's
Correct determiner usage
the
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 quality of life.
This
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 is because
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 educated individuals can become skilled professionals,
such
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 as teachers, doctors and engineers. These professions contribute to economic growth by providing important services and creating more opportunities for
society
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.
Furthermore
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,
education
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 can help
people
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 to develop social awareness and an understanding of their own responsibility and contribute to taking their place in
society
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.
As a result
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, it can bring about economic and social growth in
society
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.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, many
people
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 consider that
education
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 is the most effective way to achieve their personal ambitions and build their own business in the future. An educated person can pursue their dream careers and work for a well-established company.
For instance
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, students who study medicine may eventually become successful doctors and be financially independent.
Furthermore
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,
education
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 allows individuals to discover their abilities and increase self-confidence.
As a consequence
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,
people
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 will be more independent in future through
education
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.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
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education
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 allows
nation
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nations
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 to achieve their personal ambitions, I believe that it is equally necessary for
society
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.
Therefore
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, students study not only to achieve their goals, but
also
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 they should to contribute to
society
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 with their knowledge.

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task response
You answer both parts of the question and give your own view. To make your view stronger, say more clearly why education should help both the person and society, rather than only saying that both are needed.
task response
Your main ideas are clear: education gives people jobs that help others, and it helps people reach work and money goals. Add one more clear detail to each idea to show how these results happen.
task response
Your example about medical students is useful and fits the point. You could also give a short example of how a teacher, doctor, or engineer helps the wider public.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear four-part shape: opening, two main parts, and ending. This makes it easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. You repeat “Furthermore” and “As a result” many times. Try other simple links, such as “Also”, “For example”, “Because of this”, and “In this way”.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are not clear enough. For example, “contribute to taking their place in society” is hard to understand. Use a direct form, such as “take an active part in society”.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the same words for the two sides of the essay. The question is about personal aims and society, but the last paragraph says “education allows nation to achieve their personal ambitions.” Write “people” or “students” there instead.
coherence and cohesion
Make the last sentence more natural and clear: “Students should study not only to achieve their own goals, but also to use their knowledge to help society.”
task response
You discuss both personal aims and the good education can do for society, so your answer stays on the topic.
task response
The example of students studying medicine supports your point about personal aims well.
coherence and cohesion
Each main paragraph has one clear focus, and the ideas move in a logical order.
coherence and cohesion
Your opening gives a clear opinion, and your ending returns to that opinion.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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