IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In many families nowadays, both parents work and pay people to look after their children. Some people believe this is not good for families. To what extent do you agree or disagree ?

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Introduction
To extend to whether working
parents
Use synonyms
 paying for babysitters is detrimental or not
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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 been a matter of considerable debate. Personally, I partially disagree with
this
Linking Words
 idea, and the reasons will be explained in the following essay.
Body paragraph 1
First and foremost, working hours usually exceed 8 hours, which means it takes 1/3 of an individual's day. When left
children
Use synonyms
 with paid caregivers,
parents
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 may not be able to spend adequate time with their
children
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,
Correct word order
; therefore,
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therefore
Linking Words
this
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 may prove to have negative impacts on the child's health.
For instance
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, if 2/3 of 24 hours is
passed by
Verb problem
spent
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 sleeping and with
nanny
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a nanny
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, only 1/3
time
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of the time
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 will be left for the
parents
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.
Consequently
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, they may not form stronger bonds with the family,
only
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apply
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because they do not communicate with them enough. Under these circumstances, a
further
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 disadvantage is that mothers and fathers are inclined to miss minor details about their
children
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, namely their favourite dish or
color
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colour
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.
Body paragraph 2
However
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, even if someone is an excellent
multi-tasker
Correct your spelling
multitasker
, it may sometimes be impossible to
organize
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organise
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 time effectively in order to work, sleep, do the household or take care of the baby in a single day. Considering that, leaving toddlers alone at home is not an option, paying for professionals to take care of their
children
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 can be
timesaving
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time-saving
,
as well as
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 a great contribution
for
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to
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 their development, as those who are paid to cook for the little ones or teach them
manner
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manners
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 are mostly the ones who are experienced in
this
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 field and are able to deal with
younger
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the younger
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 generation professionally. Since
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parents'
Punctuation problem
parents
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, particularly
whose
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those whose
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 newborn is
first
Correct determiner usage
their first
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 child, may not be experts in babysitting, paying for a specialist is much more reasonable.
Conclusion
To conclude
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,
although
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 there
compelling
Verb problem
are compelling
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 arguments on both sides of the topic, I tend to uphold the idea of the necessity of the
nursers
Correct your spelling
nurses
, still not denying its demerits.

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task response
Your view is clear: you partly disagree. Make this view even clearer by saying when paid care is helpful and when it can harm family life.
task response
Develop each main point more. Explain why less time with parents may affect a child, and explain how a good carer may help a child learn and stay safe.
task response
Use more real and direct examples. The time example is useful, but it is not fully clear. A simple family example would make your point stronger.
task response
Avoid ideas that are too broad, such as saying paid carers are mostly skilled. Say that this depends on the carer and the care given.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear order: one side, the other side, then a final view. Keep this strong plan in future essays.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are long and hard to follow. Split them into two or three short sentences, especially in the second main paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Words such as 'therefore', 'however', and 'consequently' are used well in places, but make sure the next idea directly follows.
coherence and cohesion
Make the final paragraph more direct. Restate your main view and briefly name both reasons, instead of using unclear words such as 'nursers' and 'demerits'.
task response
You answer both sides of the question and give your own view throughout the essay.
task response
You include useful ideas about family time, parent-child bonds, safety, and help from skilled carers.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction, two main paragraphs, and conclusion make the essay easy to see as a complete response.
coherence and cohesion
You use paragraphing and several linking words to guide the reader through your ideas.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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