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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The Internet has changed the world today. Many think it is amazing and has improved life while others believe it has caused many problems. Give both advantages and disadvantages of the internet.

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
There is no denying the fact that all
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people need
to
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
internet
Use synonyms
 today.
While
Linking Words
 it is a commonly held
beliefe
Correct your spelling
belief
 that today the
internet
Use synonyms
 is important for many uses at the
hospiat
Correct your spelling
hospital
 and at the bank, and it
made
Wrong verb form
makes
show examples
 an easy life, there is
also
Linking Words
 an argument that the
network
Use synonyms
 caused many problems
as
Rephrase
, such as
 lost
time
Use synonyms
, lower intelligence and
lazy
Replace the word
laziness
.
Linking Words
this
Capitalize the word
This
show examples
 essay will analyse
this
Linking Words
 topic from both points of view and express my opinion.
Body paragraph 1
On one hand, the
internet
Use synonyms
suported
Correct your spelling
supported
 countries for development
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
to
provides
Wrong verb form
provide
show examples
 a good service for citizens
as
Punctuation problem
, as
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 they do not need to go to the bank
for paying
Wrong verb form
to pay
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 tuition fees
but
Punctuation problem
, but
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 they can pay by mobile phone.
In other words
Linking Words
, because the
network
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cover a
Rephrase
covers the
 world, we can
found
Wrong verb form
find
show examples
 any information in a
fastly
Correct word choice
short
show examples
time
Use synonyms
.
In addition
Linking Words
, work at home is the best things provide the
network
Use synonyms
 for
human
Check wording
humans
show examples
, so it helps scientists
for
Change preposition
with
show examples
 drug design.
For example
Linking Words
, in Egypt, there
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 an
automaticly
Replace the word
automatic
 service available
for
Change preposition
to
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 help the citizens.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
nowday
Correct your spelling
nowadays
 raising the
internet
Use synonyms
`s problem.
it
Capitalize the word
It
show examples
 is
also
Linking Words
 possible to say that using the mobile phone for a long
time
Use synonyms
 that, have a
negitive
Correct your spelling
negative
 effect
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the brain.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
childrens
Check wording
children
show examples
 spend more
time
Use synonyms
 on the
internet
Use synonyms
, so
this
Linking Words
 has a negative impact on growth.
For example
Linking Words
, there are studies about
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 bad effect for
network
Use synonyms
 on the human
,
Add a semicolon
;
show examples
 studies
found
Verb problem
have found
show examples
 who use the net
his IQ is lower
Correct word order
have lower IQs
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 than the average
person`s IQ
Check wording
person
show examples
.
Conclusion
In conclusion, there
no
Verb problem
are no
show examples
 easy answers to
this
Linking Words
quastion
Correct your spelling
question
.
on
Capitalize the word
On
show examples
 balance,
however
Linking Words
, I tend to believe that the
internet
Use synonyms
 has both negative and positive effects, but we should use it in helps the human.

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task response
You answer both sides of the question and give your own view at the end. To improve, make each main idea more clear and explain it in more detail.
task response
Some ideas need stronger support. For example, explain how online bank work saves time, and explain why too much phone use may harm children.
task response
Be careful with big claims, such as the idea that internet use makes IQ lower. Give a clear source or use a more careful idea, such as: too much screen time may affect study and sleep.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending. This makes it easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use one main idea in each paragraph. In the first body part, online bank work, finding facts, home work, and drug work are all included. Choose two ideas and develop them well.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more natural way. For example: First, In addition, However, As a result, and In conclusion. Make sure each link shows the right relation between ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Make your ending more direct. State that the internet brings many good things, but people should use it in a safe and balanced way.
task response
You include both good and bad sides of the internet, such as online payment, fast access to facts, lost time, and harm to children.
coherence and cohesion
The phrases “On one hand”, “On the other hand”, and “In conclusion” help show the order of your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
You use examples about Egypt and online services, which helps make your points less general.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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