IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Advertising aimed at children should be controlled or even banned. Do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
Advertisements
Use synonyms
, which are shown on general channels and are available to
children
Use synonyms
, have to be controlled or banned. I agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement, because advertising can sometimes affect young
people
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 in a terrible way. Censorship should control all kinds of television and social
media
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, so that
Linking Words
then
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
children
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 will not have a negative influence.
Body paragraph 1
Nowadays, there are a lot of types how companies can make their products more popular. They can use billboard advertising, pop-up advertisement, celebrity endorsement and others.
People
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 spend
much
Correct determiner usage
a lot of
show examples
 time
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 social
media
Use synonyms
 and, of course, they notice different kinds of marketing strategies. These
advertisement
Replace the word
advertising
 tactics sometimes lead to unpleasant situations for
Use synonyms
children'
Check wording
children's
show examples
 lives. Some products can be unhealthy and antisocial, but young
people
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 don't understand which of them they can buy and which are forbidden.
For example
Linking Words
, a person enjoys one blogger
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 he advertises a dangerous item for the person's health, they buy it, because they trust
in
Change preposition
their
show examples
 favourite celebrity. In my opinion,
advertisements
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 like
this
Linking Words
 one should be banned, especially for
children
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.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
It's
Fix capitalization
it's
show examples
 very difficult for censorship to control all social
media
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, because nowadays, there are a lot of
advertisements
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. In my view, the government has to organise special events or lessons at school, where teenagers understand that they shouldn't trust
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the whole
social
Change preposition
of social
show examples
media
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.
People
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 will
have
Verb problem
pay
show examples
 more attention with the help of
this
Linking Words
 protection.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I agree that
advertisements
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 should be controlled by censorship
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 the government
also
Linking Words
 has to foster
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
self-protection in
children
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 from childhood.
People
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 will know that
It
Fix capitalization
it
show examples
 can be dangerous to trust
in
Change preposition
all
show examples
 the
whole
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
information on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
social
media
Use synonyms
.

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task response
Your view is clear: you agree that ads for children need control. However, explain your main reasons more fully. Say exactly why some ads may harm children, such as ads for unhealthy food or unsafe things. Also make clear if you want control for all ads or only ads aimed at children.
task response
Your example about a blogger is useful, but it is not fully clear. Write who sees the ad, what the item is, and how it may harm a child. Use one clear example instead of a general one.
task response
The second main paragraph moves from control of ads to school lessons. This is a good idea, but link it more closely to your view. Explain that lessons can help, but they cannot take the place of rules for companies.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an end. To make the order stronger, begin each main part with one clear main idea. Then add an example and explain how it supports that idea.
coherence and cohesion
Some links between ideas are not clear. For example, “so that then children will not have a negative influence” does not show the meaning well. Use simple links such as “As a result”, “For this reason”, and “However” only when they fit.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid changing the subject between “children”, “young people”, “teenagers”, and “people” unless needed. Choose “children” or “young people” and use it through the essay. This will make your ideas easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear full sentences. For example, change “they buy it” to “the child may buy it”. This makes it clear who you mean.
task response
You answer the question directly and give a clear view from the first paragraph.
task response
You include both the harm from ads and the problem of controlling social media. This shows you can see more than one side.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion match well. Both say that ads need control and that children need help to stay safe.
coherence and cohesion
You use paragraph breaks and basic linking words such as “For example”, “On the other hand”, and “In conclusion” to guide the reader.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
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