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Band 6.5

The graph below gives information on the numbers of participants for different activities at one social centre in Melbourne, Australia for the period 2000 to 2020. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

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The graph below gives information on the numbers of participants for different activities at one social centre in Melbourne, Australia for the period 2000 to 2020. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
The graph shows the change
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the
numbers
Check wording
number
show examples
 of
people
Use synonyms
enroll
Wrong verb form
enrolled
show examples
 in different
actitivies
Correct your spelling
activities
, including film club, martial arts
amateur
Punctuation problem
, amateur
show examples
 dramatics, table tennis and musical performances, at a social centre in Melbourne from 2000 to 2020.
Overall
Linking Words
, during two decades,
film
Add an article
the film
show examples
 club still remain the most popular activity for
people
Use synonyms
 to take part in, and
while
Linking Words
 the quantity of
participants
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
in the
show examples
 other four activities
were
Verb problem
apply
show examples
increased, Amateur dramatics was the only one
showed
Correct pronoun usage
that showed
show examples
 a drop and became the lowest in 2020. The enrolment of
film
Add an article
the film
show examples
 club was slightly
decrease
Wrong verb form
decreased
show examples
 for a
decade
Punctuation problem
decade,
show examples
reached approriately
Rephrase
reaching approximately
 60
participants
Use synonyms
 in 2010 before
bounded back
Wrong verb form
rebounding
show examples
 and
climed
Correct your spelling
climbed
 to the highest point at about 65
participants
Use synonyms
 in 2020.
Meanwhiles
Correct your spelling
Meanwhile
, Amateur dramatics witnessed an opposite trend, with a rise from 2000 to 2005,
reached
Wrong verb form
reaching
show examples
 its peak at almost 30
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
then
Linking Words
 gradually
decreased
Wrong verb form
decreasing
show examples
 from 2005 to 2020,
became
Wrong verb form
becoming
show examples
 the least attractive activity in 2020 with less than 10
participants
Use synonyms
. The
numbers
Check wording
number
show examples
 of
people
Use synonyms
 enrolled for martial arts fluctuated between
around
Rephrase
apply
show examples
32
to
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 38 during the period 2000 to 2020. The table tennis presented a different trend with
negligible
Add an article
a negligible
show examples
rose
Replace the word
rise
 in
first
Add an article
the first
show examples
 half of the period
Linking Words
then
Punctuation problem
, then
show examples
 soared to almost 3rd times higher in
Linking Words
last
Add an article
the last
show examples
 10 years, at 20 and nearly 55 in 2010 and 2020, respectively. And
finally
Linking Words
, the musical performances
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
 the newest activity, first appeared in 2005 and quickly received the
interes
Correct your spelling
interest
 of
participants
Use synonyms
, with nearly 19
people
Use synonyms
take
Wrong verb form
taking
show examples
 part
in
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
in  2020.

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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words people, participants with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "table" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "shows" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "numbers of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "trend" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decrease" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "reached" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "nearly" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "almost" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • participation rates
  • trends
  • significant increases/decreases
  • stable numbers
  • fluctuations
  • overall participation
  • comparison
  • activities
  • social centre
  • Melbourne
  • participants
  • highlight
  • report
  • graph illustrates/demonstrates
  • 20-year period
  • key features
  • main features
  • statistical data
  • variations
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