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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some parents think giving children a small amout of money on weekly basis is good, while others think it is bad. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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Introduction
Two groups of people have
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
different views about giving
money
Use synonyms
 to
children
Use synonyms
 by their
parents
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. The first group says that it
better
Verb problem
is better
show examples
 to give them a small amount of
money
Use synonyms
 weekly.
While
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 the other
believe
Correct subject-verb agreement
believes
show examples
this
Linking Words
 is bad. For me, I support the view
about
Correct word choice
that
show examples
 giving kids a small amount of
money
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 weekly
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is more beneficial for them.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand,
children
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 are supposed to have
money
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 from their
parents
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 on
daily
Add an article
a daily
show examples
 basis to avoid unexpected situations. Sometimes,
school
Correct subject-verb agreement
schools
show examples
 take schoolchildren from time to time
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 journeys
oversees
Use the right word
overseas
show examples
 or
camps
Change preposition
to camps
show examples
. During these times,
children
Use synonyms
 can face unexpected situations,
such
Linking Words
 as
finishing their
Verb problem
running out of
show examples
money
Use synonyms
 or
food
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. For
children
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 who take
money
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 weekly, if they
finished
Wrong verb form
finish
show examples
 their
money
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 during a school journey, they might not be able to buy
food
Use synonyms
. So, they would continue the rest of
journey
Add an article
the journey
show examples
hungrey
Correct your spelling
hungry
.
In addition
Linking Words
, if they needed to play
activities
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 or games with
money
Use synonyms
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as their mates, they would not
able
Verb problem
be able
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 to do
this
Linking Words
.
In contrast
Linking Words
,
children
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 around them might play and do these
activities
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, and they see them.
This
Linking Words
 might affect some
children
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 mentally in a negative way that they are not equal to other
children
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,
for example
Linking Words
. So,
parents
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 can prevent
this
Linking Words
 from happening to their
children
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with
Change preposition
by
show examples
 giving them
money
Use synonyms
 daily based on their daily
activities
Use synonyms
.
As a result
Linking Words
, they would have enough
money
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 to do what they need.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, for
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 sake of
children
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, they are not supposed to
not
Rephrase
apply
show examples
have
money
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 to
not
Rephrase
apply
show examples
buy what they need always.
Children
Use synonyms
 may not know
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 result of what they do or desire. So, they might prefer
sugarey
Correct your spelling
sugary
products
Use synonyms
 or buy more and more games
in addition
Linking Words
 to what they have. So, if they had more
money
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 than
necessarily
Replace the word
necessary
, they might buy unhealthy
food
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,
such
Linking Words
 as chocolate
without
Punctuation problem
, without
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 asking their
parents
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.
This
Linking Words
Linking Words
also can
Correct word order
can also
show examples
 happen daily, so
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 they might be obese
at the end
Linking Words
.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
parents
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 can give
children
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money
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 weekly based on their needs in school and other
activities
Use synonyms
.
In addition
Linking Words
, if they needed
food
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 or extra
products
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, they would ask their
parents
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 for
money
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. At
this
Linking Words
 time,
parents
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 are able to know what
is
Correct word order
this money is
show examples
this
Linking Words
money
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 for, so if it was good
products
Use synonyms
 or
food
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, they would decide
to
Correct word choice
whether to
show examples
 give them
money
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 or not.
This
Linking Words
 can prevent
children
Use synonyms
 from spending
money
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 on
unecessarily
Correct your spelling
unnecessarily
food
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 or
products
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
convince
Correct subject-verb agreement
convinces
show examples
 them to tell their
parents
Use synonyms
 beforehand about what they need to decide to make them buy or not.
Conclusion
In my
opnion
Correct your spelling
opinion
,
although
Linking Words
children
Use synonyms
 may face unexpected situations anytime that they need
money
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 during them.
This
Linking Words
 is not better than giving them
money
Use synonyms
 weekly to not make them buy unhealthy
food
Use synonyms
 or unwanted
products
Use synonyms
, so
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 they might be convinced to ask their
parents
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 if they need
money
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.
Finally
Linking Words
, because of
Linking Words
this
Punctuation problem
this,
show examples
 I support the view that weekly giving
money
Use synonyms
 to
children
Use synonyms
 is better than the other view.

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task response
Discuss both views in a more equal way. The first main part says why daily money may help, but the question asks about weekly money. Make this link clear.
task response
Give your own view clearly from the start and keep it the same. You support weekly money, but the first main part can make the reader think you support daily money.
task response
Use one clear reason for each view. For example, daily money can help in a sudden need; weekly money can teach children how to plan and save.
task response
Add a real and clear example. For example, a child can save part of weekly money for a school trip, then choose what to buy.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an end. Keep this shape, but make each main part focus on one view only.
coherence and cohesion
Put the main idea first in each paragraph. Then give one or two reasons and an example. This will make the text easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Do not repeat the same idea about unhealthy food many times. Say it once, explain it well, and then move to the next point.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple link words in a natural way: On the one hand, However, For example, As a result, and In my view. Do not use too many links in one sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Make the last paragraph shorter and stronger. State your view, give the main reason, and end the essay without repeating all earlier ideas.
task response
You answer both sides of the topic and give a clear personal view.
task response
Your ideas about food, games, and school trips are linked to children’s use of money.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is divided into clear parts, so the reader can see the two views.
coherence and cohesion
You use helpful link words such as “On the one hand”, “On the other hand”, and “In my opinion”.
Word Count

IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.

A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.

Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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