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Writing Samples
Band 5

In many countries, the amount o f crime is increasing What do you think are the main causes o f crime? How can we deal with those causes?

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Introduction
In numerous countries in
this
Linking Words
 contemporary world, the prevalence of criminal activity has been rising at an alarming
state
Check wording
rate
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. The principal drivers of
this
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 trend
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 the socioeconomic inequality and erosion of
community
Use synonyms
 cohesion
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 the government must take the lead in revitalising the local institutions and promoting social investments.
Body paragraph 1
The foremost cause of escalating
Use synonyms
crimes
Check wording
crime
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 rates is the deepening economic inequality. When
substantial
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a substantial
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 amount of the population is denied
of
Change preposition
apply
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employment access, stable housing, and quality education,
people
Use synonyms
 become
despate
Correct your spelling
desperate,
 and
rule
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the rule
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 of law is ignored.
For instance
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,
increasing
Add an article
an increasing
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young
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number of young
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 adults turn
into
Change preposition
to
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 drug dealing to escape from poverty.
Linking Words
Consequently
Add a comma
Consequently,
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 with the rise of illegal drugs on the streets, lawlessness becomes a common scenario.
Also
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,
individualism
Replace the word
individualistic
 behaviour is being
adapted
Verb problem
adopted
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 by most
people
Use synonyms
 nowadays;
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
community
Use synonyms
 culture
becoming
Verb problem
is becoming
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 rare. As an example, in urban areas, residents who live in high-rise buildings are strangers to each other despite living in close proximity.
This
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 damaged the traditional neighbourhood relationships, religious practices, and
familiy
Correct your spelling
family
 networks that
instill
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instil
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 norms and develop social behaviour of children and individuals.
As a result
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, young kids are easily recruited to gangs
,
Correct word choice
and
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 become more susceptible to bad influences.
Body paragraph 2
Addressing these root causes demands
multifaceted
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a multifaceted
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 and
longterm
Correct your spelling
long-term
 strategy rather than "band-aid solutions.
First,
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government
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the government
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 must invest heavily
on
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in
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 education, vocational training and job creation within the marginalised region
ensuring
Punctuation problem
, ensuring
show examples
legitimate
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a legitimate
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 pathway to prosperity remains genuine to all citizens.
For example
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, free
trainings
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training
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, workshops and seminars are offered in TAFE in Australia, which help
people
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 learn skills that can generate income.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, revitalising local communities by promoting local businesses, funding youth-centres and programs, diverts
people
Use synonyms
's attention to meaningful and productive activities
than
Correct word choice
rather than
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 illegal ones. By treating
crimes
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 as
symptom
Add an article
a symptom
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 of deeper structural dysfunction rather than a person's moral failing, policymakers can formulate responses and laws that are both
human
Correct word choice
humane
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 and effective.
Conclusion
In summary,
while
Linking Words
 the surge of
crimes
Use synonyms
 is undoubtedly on the rise,
its
Use the right word
it's
show examples
 primarily
lies
Verb problem
due
show examples
 to poverty and
community
Use synonyms
 fragmentation. By committing to an equitable economic rehabilitation and deliberate renewal of
community
Use synonyms
 institutions,
souces
Use the right word
sources
show examples
 of
crimes
Use synonyms
 can be confronted and put a stop
than
Change preposition
to
show examples
 merely implementing punishment.
Therefore
Linking Words
, lasting public safety and
thriving
Add an article
the thriving
show examples
 of social culture will not be far from happening.

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task response
You answer both parts of the question. To make your answer stronger, explain the link between each cause and crime more clearly. For example, say why lack of work may lead some people to steal or sell drugs.
task response
Your main ideas are poverty and weak community ties. These are good ideas, but some points need more detail. Explain how youth centres, jobs, and training can stop crime, not only help people.
task response
Use examples that are clear and easy to follow. The TAFE example is useful, but explain what kind of job skills people learn and how this may lower crime.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: opening, causes, ways to deal with them, and ending. Keep one main idea in each paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are too long and have many ideas. Split them into two or three shorter sentences. This will make your meaning easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully. For example, use 'Also' to add a point, 'As a result' for an effect, and 'For example' before a real case. Do not put too many links in one paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Make the first sentence of each body paragraph very clear. For example: 'A second cause is the loss of close community ties.' Then give support for that one idea.
task response
You deal with both causes and solutions, and your ideas stay on the topic.
task response
The essay gives useful causes, such as poverty, lack of work, and weak ties between people in a community.
coherence and cohesion
The order of ideas is easy to understand: causes come first, then ways to deal with them.
coherence and cohesion
The ending brings back the two main causes and gives a clear final view.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • socioeconomic factors
  • poverty
  • unemployment
  • dysfunctional families
  • parental guidance
  • peer pressure
  • substance abuse
  • lenient laws
  • weak enforcement
  • legal system
  • law enforcement
  • media influence
  • desensitize
  • glorification of crime
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