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Band 5

Some parent spend a little free time with their children today. Why is it so? Why do you think this affects more, parents or children?

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Introduction
Nowadays, it is common for some
parents
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 to spend a small amount of their leisure
time
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 with their
children
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.
This
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 essay will
analyze
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analyse
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this
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 topic and explain that
this
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 happens mostly
due to
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 the desire of the adults to spend more
time
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 making money and building a career,
while
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children
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 mostly suffer from
such
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 behaviour.
Body paragraph 1
Most of the
parents
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 want to make their child's life easier. It is evident
,
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apply
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as
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that
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 they love each other, and from their own
perspective
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perspective,
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 they understand the importance of financial freedom for a family.
For example
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, many young fathers take
additional
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on additional
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 part-
time
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 jobs rather than going to university to get the desired degree.
Consequently
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, they spend most of their
time
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 outside the home, and see their
children
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 early in the morning or late at night.
Body paragraph 2
However
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, mostly kids tend to be affected by their
parents
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' overtimes.
That is
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 because they do not have emotional intelligence skills and life experience to understand the importance of finances.
In particular
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,
children
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 often ask their
parents
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 to take a day off and spend
time
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 with them in order to play or share any family rituals.
As a result
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, when one of the
parents
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 refuses to do so, kids start to feel lonely and angry, as they do not understand the full picture of their
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parents
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parents'
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 obligations.
Conclusion
To
summarize
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summarise
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, the lack of
time
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 that the whole family spends together is often caused by
parents
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' work and
career
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careers
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.
However
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,
children
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 can't
realize
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realise
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 the importance of it, and they need care and love in their young age, so they may feel depressed and suffer more
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then
Use the right word
than
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 their
parents
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 when being on their own.

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Task response
You answer both parts of the question. You give one main reason: parents work more to make money and build a career. You also clearly say that children are affected more. To make the answer stronger, add one more reason, such as long work hours, travel time, or the use of phones after work.
Task response
Your ideas are clear, but some points need more detail. Explain how less time with parents can affect a child at school, in friendships, or at home. This will make your view more full and more real.
Task response
The example about young fathers with part-time jobs fits the topic. However, the part about going to university is not fully clear. Use a simple, direct example of a parent who works late and misses meals, games, or talks with a child.
Coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part plan: opening, reason, effect, and ending. This makes it easy to follow. Keep this plan in future essays.
Coherence and cohesion
Use links between ideas a little more carefully. For example, start the second body part with: “This mainly affects children more.” This helps the reader see your answer to the second question at once.
Coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are long and hold too many ideas. Break them into two shorter sentences. For example, explain first why parents work more, then explain how this reduces family time.
Coherence and cohesion
Avoid unclear words such as “it” and “this” when the meaning may be lost. Say “working long hours” or “less family time” instead. This will make each link between sentences clearer.
Task response
You give a clear answer to both questions and keep your view the same from start to end: parents work for money, but children suffer more.
Task response
Your point about children feeling lonely and angry is relevant and helps show why they may be affected more.
Coherence and cohesion
Each body paragraph has one main idea, and the order of ideas is easy to understand.
Coherence and cohesion
The ending returns to the main points and gives a clear final view.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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