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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many countries around the world, rural people are moving to cities, so the population in the countryside is decreasing. Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

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Introduction
In numerous countries worldwide , rural
individuals
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 are relocating to
cities
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, so the number of
people
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 in the countryside is decreasing.
Although
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this
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 trend may have some positive impacts, it
also
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 has significant disadvantages . In
this
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 essay, I will
firstly
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 discuss the negatives of moving to
cities
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, before explaining
its
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their
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 benefits.
Body paragraph 1
One major drawback of relocating to urban
areas
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 is overpopulation. To clarify, as many
individuals
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 leave
countryside
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the countryside
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 to settle down in
cities
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, the number of
people
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 is
also
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 increasing .
Furthermore
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 ,
this
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 process not only leads to overpopulation
,
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apply
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but can
also
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 cause traffic congestion and air pollution. To illustrate, as more
people
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 move to
cities
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 in search of employment , the number of private vehicles and public transport users may increase.
Moreover
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, when young
individuals
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 move to
cities
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, rural
areas
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 may experience a shortage of agricultural workers, which can negatively affect food production.
As a result
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,
people
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 may find it difficult to access fresh and organic food. For these reasons discussed above, there are negative effects of relocating urban
areas
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.
Body paragraph 2
However
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, despite these drawbacks, there is an upside to
this
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 trend. One significant advantage is the availability of better job
opportunities
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.
For instance
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, every year
many
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, many
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individuals
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 move from villages to find appropriate jobs for themselves.
This
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 is because, as more businesses operate in urban
areas
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, a wider range of employment
opportunities
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 becomes available.
In addition
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, urban education gives children a wide range of academic
opportunities
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such
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, such
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 as studying abroad or getting scholarships.
As a result
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, many parents tend to send their children to school in
cities
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 rather than rural
areas
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.
This
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 is because, if they
have
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apply
show examples
get more
opportunities
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 or better education, they may gain more money in the future.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
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people
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 could benefit from living
urban
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in urban
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areas
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, their negative effects
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such
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, such
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 as affecting air quality , causing traffic congestion and the decline in agricultural
production
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production,
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 outweigh
its
Fix the agreement mistake
their
show examples
 benefits.

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task response
Give a clear answer in the first paragraph. Say that this is mainly a negative change, then keep this view clear in the whole essay.
task response
Your main ideas are on topic: city crowding, dirty air, less farm work, jobs, and schools. Explain each idea more fully. For example, show how fewer farm workers may lead to less food and higher food prices.
task response
Use more real and clear examples. Instead of saying “many individuals”, give one short case, such as a young person who leaves a farm town for work in a large city.
task response
The point about children studying abroad is not very close to moving from the countryside to cities. Focus more on schools, hospitals, work, and services in cities.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part form: opening, two main paragraphs, and ending. Keep this form, but make the first sentence of each main paragraph show the exact point you will prove.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple, clear words such as “because”, “so”, “for example”, “however”, and “as a result”. Do not use too many link words in one paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph follow one clear path: main idea, reason, example, result. In the first body paragraph, separate the city problems from the countryside farm problem, or explain the link between them more clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Check small missing words that make links less clear. Write “move to cities”, “living in urban areas”, and “the negative effects of moving to urban areas”.
task response
You discuss both sides of the change and give a clear final view that the bad effects are stronger.
task response
You choose useful ideas that fit the topic, especially traffic, air quality, farm work, jobs, and education.
coherence and cohesion
The opening tells the reader what the essay will discuss, and the ending returns to the main view.
coherence and cohesion
Paragraphs are easy to see, and words such as “However”, “For instance”, and “As a result” help the reader follow your ideas.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • rural-to-urban migration
  • population shift
  • positive impact
  • negative impact
  • urbanization
  • job opportunities
  • access to education
  • access to healthcare
  • urban infrastructure
  • rural traditions
  • cultural heritage
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