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Band 5

Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. Others ,however, Believe that school is the place to learn this. Discussion both these views and give your own opinion.

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Introduction
It is sometimes claimed that
parents
Use synonyms
 should teach
children
Use synonyms
 to build
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
good
habit
Check wording
habits
show examples
 and
more
Verb problem
socialise more
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socialize to
Change preposition
with
show examples
 others.
Conversely
Linking Words
, other
view
Check wording
views
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 believe that
role
Add an article
the role
show examples
 of
Use synonyms
school
Add an article
the school
show examples
 is more critical surrounding which
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
 a better influence
to
Change preposition
on
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 kids. The debate
of
Rephrase
on these
this
Linking Words
 topics should be
discuss
Wrong verb form
discussed
show examples
 more elaborately to decide what is better for
children
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.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand,
parents
Use synonyms
 have
an
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 authority to control their
children
Use synonyms
 since they were born. Basically,
children
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also
Linking Words
 try to
mimick
Correct your spelling
mimic
 what
parents
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 do, so the influence of
parents
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 is crucial.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
parents
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 and
children
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has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 a deep intimacy rather than others
so
Punctuation problem
, so
show examples
 what
parents
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 ask,
children
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 tend to behave and do what they want. They
also
Linking Words
 live together
everyday
Rephrase
every day,
 so it
make
Correct word order
makes it easier for parents
show examples
parents
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 easier to communicate and interact with
children
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. All of these reasons are supporting factors to shape
children
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be
Verb problem
to be
show examples
 good members of society.
Parents
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 can teach what is good or bad, and impose social values
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
children
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
however
Linking Words
,
school
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 is a second home for
children
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 that potentially
impact to
Rephrase
impacts
children
Use synonyms
. There are many friends who interact with them
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and often persuade them to do various activities. They
also
Linking Words
 have a relatively
same
Correct word choice
similar
show examples
 age
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
build
Rephrase
builds a
 strong connection and team building
each
Change preposition
with each
show examples
 other.
School
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also
Linking Words
 influence them through how they interact with their teachers. Teachers have a wide range of methods to change what
children
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's
mind
Check wording
minds
show examples
.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, the interaction between
children
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 and teachers
as well as
Linking Words
 their friends has a limited time only at the
school
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, and after
back go
Correct word order
they go back
show examples
 home, they already
should
Verb problem
have to
show examples
 meet their
parents
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 again.
Conclusion
Based on those several perspectives
both
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
from
two
Correct determiner usage
both
show examples
 sides, I considerably view that
parents
Use synonyms
 have a bigger chance to teach their
children
Use synonyms
 to be good members of society. Despite social interaction
will be build from
Wrong verb form
being built on
show examples
 a strong friendship,
but
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
Use synonyms
parents' role
Check wording
parents
show examples
 have a vast amount of time and opportunity to teach their
children
Use synonyms
 more intensively.

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task response
You discuss both parents and school, and you give a clear view that parents have the main role. To make your answer stronger, explain more clearly what a “good member of society” does, such as helping others, following rules, and treating people well.
task response
Give one clear real-life example for each side. For example, parents can teach a child to say sorry at home, while school can teach children to work in groups and respect other views.
task response
Some ideas are too general. Do not only say that parents have more time or that teachers have many ways. Show how this time or these ways help children learn good behavior.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: an opening, one paragraph for parents, one for school, and an ending. Keep this shape, but make the first paragraph state both views and your own view more directly.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer links between ideas. For example: “First,” “As a result,” “For this reason,” and “However.” This will help the reader follow your point.
coherence and cohesion
Keep each paragraph focused on one main point. In the school paragraph, first write about friends, then teachers, and end by linking this point back to the question.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid long sentences with many ideas. For example, split “They also have a relatively same age...” into two short sentences. This will make your meaning easier to follow.
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you present both views and give your own clear opinion.
task response
Your main reason for choosing parents is clear: parents spend more time with children and can teach them every day.
coherence and cohesion
The use of “On the one hand” and “On the other hand” makes the two sides easy to find.
coherence and cohesion
Your final paragraph clearly returns to your own view and gives a reason for it.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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