IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people say advertising has positive economic effects. Others think it hasnegative social effects because it will make people dissatisfied with who they are and what they have. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

5.0 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
The advertising industry
developped
Correct your spelling
developed
 dramatically throughout
Linking Words
last
Add an article
the last
show examples
 decades. It affected large groups of people all around the world and caused
argues
Replace the word
arguments
 about the consequences of
this
Linking Words
 invention. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will discuss both benefits and drawbacks and make a conclusion based on my
experiance
Correct your spelling
experience
. Though
opinion
Check wording
opinions
show examples
 on
this
Linking Words
 topic vary, in my opinion
negative
Rephrase
, the negative
 effects overweight possible positive outcomes.
Body paragraph 1
At first glance, it
seem
Correct subject-verb agreement
seems
show examples
 as
ads
Correct word choice
if ads
show examples
 have no
effect
Use synonyms
 on each individual separately,
hovewer
Correct your spelling
however,
 it can lead to several drawbacks on mental health. Often, an ad
is illustrating
Wrong verb form
illustrates
show examples
 a perfection in terms
of
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
of their
product
Use synonyms
.Comparison between an individual and the
advertisment
Correct your spelling
advertisement
 can decrease the level of self-confidence and mental health.
For example
Linking Words
, the biggest skin care
companies
Use synonyms
 are likely to take models with perfect skin,
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 can be rare in general,
hovewer
Correct your spelling
however,
 look great for a television or magazines. And
while
Linking Words
 watching the advert, they might make a wrong conclusion about their
look
Check wording
appearance
show examples
.
Body paragraph 2
The second disturbing reason is that
ad
Add an article
an ad
show examples
 can show an incomplete picture of the
product
Use synonyms
 and the actual
effect
Use synonyms
. Most
companies
Use synonyms
 tend to highlight the positive features and hide the downsides
,
Add a semicolon
;
show examples
moreover
Linking Words
, they can provide
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
unnecessary effects of the specific
product
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
, scientists suggested that a major part of
sport-food
Replace the word
sports-food
companies
Use synonyms
 are likely to overestimate the positive consequences of their products,
as a
Linking Words
result
Add a comma
result,
show examples
 people are insecure about their body after getting different
result
Check wording
results
show examples
 from
the one
Fix the agreement mistake
those
show examples
 in an advert.
Body paragraph 3
On the other hand
Linking Words
, ads have
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
significant benefits for governments all around the world.
Adverts
Use the right word
Advertisements
show examples
 can boost
the sellings
Check wording
sales
show examples
 dramatically and
consequently
Linking Words
 increase the income of a country.
For example
Linking Words
, in
todays
Correct your spelling
today's
 world
the
Punctuation problem
, the
show examples
 most popular products are those which were demonstrated on social
medias
Check wording
media
show examples
, and the more
popularity
Replace the word
popular
 a
product
Use synonyms
 gains, the more people
are buying
Wrong verb form
buy
show examples
 it.
As a result
Linking Words
,
companies
Use synonyms
 are gaining higher income that boosts
an economic
Replace the word
the economy
 of a place.
Conclusion
In conclusion, the advertising has as
benefits
Correct determiner usage
many benefits
show examples
 as drawbacks. And even though an
effect
Use synonyms
 of ads on a
country
Check wording
country's
show examples
 economy might be significant, I
belive
Correct your spelling
believe
 that
negative
Add an article
the negative
show examples
effect
Use synonyms
 on an
individuals'
Check wording
individual's
show examples
 health
overweigts
Correct your spelling
outweighs the
 positive sides.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Discuss the positive economic side in more depth. Explain how ads help new firms, create jobs, and give people more choice. This will make both views feel more equal.
task response
Make your own view more clear in the main body, not only in the first and last parts. After each main point, say why you think the social harm is more serious than the money benefit.
task response
Use more exact examples. For example, name how a skin ad may make young people feel bad, or how a small shop may sell more after an online ad. Then explain the result of each example.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part plan: an opening, two social harms, one economic benefit, and an ending. To make the flow better, use clear links between ideas, such as “However”, “As a result”, and “In contrast”.
coherence and cohesion
Keep each paragraph on one main idea. In the second body paragraph, first state that ads can hide bad points, then explain it, and then give one example. Do not add a new idea about body image unless you link it clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because the meaning is not exact. Write shorter sentences and check that each sentence has a clear subject and verb. For example, change “it seem as ads” to “It may seem that ads have little effect on each person.”
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating words like “effect”, “positive”, and “product” too often. You can use simple other words such as “result”, “good point”, “item”, or “ad”.
task response
You answer both parts of the question and give a clear view that the social harm is greater than the economic good.
task response
Your points about self-image, health, sales, and national income are on topic.
coherence and cohesion
The opening tells the reader what the essay will do, and the ending returns to your main view.
coherence and cohesion
Paragraphs begin with clear main ideas, such as the harm to mental health and the economic value of ads.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: