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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

All the people in a company should be treated equally and provided with the same numbers of vacations in a year.To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
All the people in a
busnises
Correct your spelling
business
 should be treated equally and provided with the same
numbers
Check wording
number
show examples
 of vacations in a year.To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Body paragraph 1
It is often argued that most of the individuals must have the same amount of annual leave in an organisation
no
Punctuation problem
, no
show examples
 matter what
is their job title
Correct word order
their job title is
show examples
. I firmly agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement for the reason that holiday leave is very crucial for
everyone
Punctuation problem
everyone,
show examples
 where they have time to rest
as well as
Linking Words
 regulate
theirselves
Correct your spelling
themselves
 from the stressful environment.
Body paragraph 2
Body paragraph 1
Body paragraph 3
The main reason is that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 all the staff in the
company
Use synonyms
has putting
Rephrase
have put
 their effort to contribute their skills in building the success of
Use synonyms
company
Add an article
the company
show examples
, so
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
the leader should
treated
Wrong verb form
treat
show examples
 the employees fairly and give them the right
numbers
Check wording
number
show examples
 of leave that they deserve.
For instance
Linking Words
, if one staff
has
Check wording
member has
show examples
 only 7 leave
and
Check wording
days and
show examples
 the rest
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 14-21 annual leave, it is basically very unfair. Everyone
deserve
Correct subject-verb agreement
deserves
show examples
 to have a rest, if ever
this
Linking Words
 happened, I guess the other staff would affect their
well being
Correct your spelling
well-being
Linking Words
as
Punctuation problem
, as
show examples
 a
result
Punctuation problem
result,
show examples
 they will resign from their job.
Body paragraph 4
Body paragraph 2
Body paragraph 5
Another point is the way they manage their
staffs
Check wording
staff
show examples
, I have my own experience wherein
their
Use the right word
there
show examples
 is
employee
Add an article
an employee
show examples
which
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 is in
low
Add an article
a low
show examples
 position, and the boss treated her like a helper in the
company
Use synonyms
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
this
Linking Words
 woman is a degree holder
in
Punctuation problem
, in
show examples
short
Punctuation problem
short,
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 she is a professional
,
Punctuation problem
. Besides
show examples
besides
Linking Words
that
Add a comma
that,
show examples
 she is not the apple of the eyes of the
company
Use synonyms
 because of her poor skills.
As a result
Linking Words
 of
this
Linking Words
, she look her self
such
Linking Words
 as a useless person. In
this
Linking Words
 scenario, it's really important to
handled
Wrong verb form
handle
show examples
 the
inviduals
Correct your spelling
individuals
 equally and
giving
Wrong verb form
give
show examples
 the same reward.
Body paragraph 6
Conclusion
Conclusion
In conclusion, the people in a
company
Use synonyms
 should be treated equally and provided with the same amount of vacation
in
Check wording
time in
show examples
 a year. to help the individuals to have a break and
fullfill
Correct your spelling
fulfil
 their needs at their own pace. I strongly agree that all the employees
were
Wrong verb form
apply
show examples
deserve to
treated
Verb problem
be treated
show examples
 well and
giving a
Rephrase
given
 wonderful rewards.

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task response
State your view in a clear and exact way. Explain that equal leave can be fair, but you should also deal with jobs that may need a different leave plan, such as work at night or hard work.
task response
Develop each main idea more fully. In the first body part, explain how equal leave helps health, work life, and staff stay in the job. Do not only say that it is unfair.
task response
Use examples that clearly show the point about vacation days. The second example is mainly about a boss being unkind, skills, and job level, so it does not fully support the idea of the same number of vacation days.
task response
Make your last part short and strong. Repeat your main view and give the two main reasons. Do not add a new idea there.
coherence and cohesion
Remove the labels “Body paragraph 1” and “Body paragraph 2”. Use full paragraphs with one clear main idea in each one.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body paragraph with a clear first sentence. Then give a reason, explain it, and add one example. This will make the writing easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple linking words with care: “First”, “Also”, “For example”, “As a result”, and “In conclusion”. Some long sentences now join too many ideas and are hard to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the focus on one idea in each paragraph. The first paragraph is about fair leave. The second should also be about leave, rather than how one worker is treated by a boss.
task response
You give a clear view from the start and keep the same view in the last part.
task response
You use a work-based example and show concern for staff health and rest.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear overall shape: an opening, two main parts, and a final part.
coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful link words, such as “For instance”, “As a result”, and “In conclusion”.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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