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Band 4.5

Art classes, like painting and drawing are as important as other subjects, so they should be compulsory subject in high school. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
As there is a decline in the number of high
school
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students
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 who are not interested in
art
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classes
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, it is highly argued that these
creativity
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-based
subjects
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 ought to be compulsory as other general
classes
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.
While
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 others oppose
this
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 notion, I personally argue in favour.
Body paragraph 1
It is obvious that during high
school
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years
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, middle-aged adults are commonly busy with focusing on compulsory
subjects
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which
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, which
show examples
 enable them to apply to university programmes, namely maths or computer science. These
subjects
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 are indispensable as with the basics of these
subjects
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, they are expected to succeed in academic performances in not only bachelor's but
also
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 master's degrees. The literacy in computing,
for example
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, may be quite helpful to them to complete various assignments throughout studies, and mathematical comprehension is considered the foundation of both economics and finance specialists.
Therefore
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, high
school
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students
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 must only be busy with acquiring knowledge and skills to comprehend theoretical aspects of these base
subjects
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 , which would assist
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while
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them while
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 applying positively during their
years
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 of
studyingyears
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studying
.
Body paragraph 2
Although
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 other
subjects
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 may support high
school
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students
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 in prospective academic performances, coherent programs are
also
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 required to cover
art
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classes
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 , including drawing or painting
workshops
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workshops,
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 as they encourage
creativity
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 and
also
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 calming therapy. In order to create any piece of
art
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 during the
classes
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,
students
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 are required to use their
creativity
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 and personal preferences to complete their tasks
,
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. Creativity
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creativity
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, which is becoming rare among the younger generation, brings potential growth in their mentality. During the milestones, applying
creativity
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 and making choices may strengthen their personalities since
such
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 workshops can help them decide wisely towards their prospective
years
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.
Instead
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 of unestimated parts of the
art
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classes
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, they may encourage
students
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 to think positively prior to more challenging
years
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 of
studyyears
Correct your spelling
study, years
 in advance.
As a result
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, each piece of
art
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 or a change to create their personal artistic papers is able to encourage
students
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 to feel valued and be confident
on
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in
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 their abilities.
Conclusion
All things considered,
art
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classes
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 are advised to be as mandatory and vital as other
more
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, more
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 serious
subjects
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 for high
school
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students
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.
Although
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 they are considered time-consuming and worthless types of
classes
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, through these
subjects
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,
students
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 are given an opportunity to be valued as a main part of society.

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task response
State your view more clearly in the first part. You agree, but the first main part seems to say that art should not be a must.
task response
Give two clear reasons why art should be a must. For each reason, explain how it helps students and give one real or clear example.
task response
The first main part needs a link back to the question. If school work is important, explain why this does not mean art should be left out.
task response
Avoid ideas that are too wide or not well shown, such as art making students a main part of society. Use direct ideas about school, learning, stress, and new ways of thinking.
coherence and cohesion
Use a clearer plan: first part with your view, one main part for the other side, one main part for your reasons, then a short end.
coherence and cohesion
Make each main part start with one clear point. The first main part is about maths and computer science, but its main point is not clear.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple links to show the flow of ideas: However, For example, As a result, and In short. Do not repeat the same idea many times in one long sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the same words for the same group. Use 'high school students' rather than 'middle-aged adults', which has a very different meaning.
task response
You give a clear overall view that art classes should be required in high school.
task response
You include useful reasons for art, such as new ideas, calm feelings, and self-belief.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear first part, two main parts, and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
You try to use cause-and-effect links, such as 'Therefore' and 'As a result'.
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