IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

The average standard of people's health is likely to be lower in the future than it is now. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

7.5 / 9
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Introduction
It is often argued that the
overall
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 level of human
health
Use synonyms
 will decline in the coming years compared to current standards. I completely agree with
this
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 viewpoint, primarily
due to
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 the widespread consumption of ultra-processed foods and the worsening impact of industrial
air
Use synonyms
 pollution.
Body paragraph 1
First,
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the rapid expansion of the modern food industry has led to a heavy reliance on processed products that lack essential nutrients. To maximise profits and extend shelf life, manufacturers frequently alter natural ingredients with cheap fillers and chemical additives.
For example
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, commercially packaged sliced beef often contains significant amounts of flour, starches, and preservatives rather than pure meat. Because busy consumers increasingly choose these convenient options over whole, unprocessed foods, their bodies miss out on vital nutrients, which raises the risk of obesity, diabetes, and other diet-related illnesses.
Body paragraph 2
Furthermore
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, continuous industrial growth is severely degrading
air
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 quality, posing a direct threat to public
health
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. As factories expand and manufacturing demands increase, higher volumes of toxic emissions are released into the atmosphere. People living in rapidly developing urban areas are forced to breathe polluted
air
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 daily, which damages lung function and weakens the immune system. Over time,
this
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 constant exposure is likely to cause a surge in chronic respiratory and cardiovascular diseases across future generations.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I firmly believe that average
health
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 standards will deteriorate in the future.
Therefore
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, I agree that societies should reduce their dependence on nutrient-poor processed foods and take stricter measures to curb industrial
air
Use synonyms
 pollution, or else
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 they will face increasingly severe
health
Use synonyms
 challenges.

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task response
Your view is very clear, and you answer the question from start to end. To make the answer even stronger, add one short point about why some people may get healthier in the future, such as better health care or more health knowledge, then explain why these gains may not be enough.
task response
Your two main reasons are well chosen. Develop the food example a little more carefully. The claim about sliced beef could sound too wide, so use a more general example, such as ready meals, fast food, or sweet drinks.
task response
The last line gives useful action, but keep the main focus on whether health will get worse. You could link the action more directly to your view: without strong action, these risks will grow.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear plan: an opening view, two body parts, and a closing view. Each body part has one main idea, which makes it easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use a few more links inside each body part to show cause and result. For example: “As a result”, “This means that”, and “For this reason” can help join the steps in your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
The link word “Furthermore” works well for the second main point. In the final part, “or else” is a little informal for this kind of writing. Use “otherwise” instead.
task response
You give a direct and steady answer: you fully agree, and both main points support that view.
task response
The points about food and air are relevant and clear. You explain how each one can lead to poor health, rather than only naming a problem.
coherence and cohesion
The opening and closing parts clearly state the same main view, so the essay feels complete.
coherence and cohesion
The order of ideas is strong. The first body part deals with food, while the second deals with air, so the reader can follow the essay with ease.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • 1. Standard of health
  • 2. Average
  • 3. Lower
  • 4. Future
  • 5. Aging population
  • 6. Chronic diseases
  • 7. Sedentary lifestyle
  • 8. Lack of exercise
  • 9. Poor dietary habits
  • 10. Environmental pollution
  • 11. Technological advancements
  • 12. Impact on health
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