IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people believe that children should be taught how to manage money at school, while others think that this should be taught by parents at home Discuss both views and give your own opinion

7.0 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
Some people believe that
children
Use synonyms
 should learn how to manage
money
Use synonyms
 at school,
while
Linking Words
 others argue that
parents
Use synonyms
 should be responsible for teaching
this
Linking Words
 skill at home.
Although
Linking Words
 both approaches have their own advantages, I believe that
schools
Use synonyms
 and
parents
Use synonyms
 should share
this
Linking Words
 responsibility.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand,
schools
Use synonyms
 are suitable places to provide
children
Use synonyms
 with systematic financial
education
Use synonyms
. As educational institutions are expected to prepare students for adulthood, teaching them how to manage their finances should be considered an essential part of their
education
Use synonyms
. Teachers can introduce basic financial concepts, including budgeting, saving and distinguishing between essential needs and personal wants.
For example
Linking Words
, students could be given a fixed amount of
money
Use synonyms
 and asked to divide it between necessary purchases,
such
Linking Words
 as stationery, and non-essential items,
such
Linking Words
 as snacks. Through
such
Linking Words
 activities, they can learn to prioritise essential expenses and avoid unnecessary spending.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, financial
education
Use synonyms
 could be incorporated into existing subjects, particularly mathematics, allowing students to develop practical skills without significantly increasing their academic workload.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
parents
Use synonyms
 can provide
children
Use synonyms
 with practical financial experience that may be difficult to acquire through classroom lessons alone. Since they understand their household's income and spending priorities,
parents
Use synonyms
 can demonstrate how
money
Use synonyms
 should be allocated
according to
Linking Words
 actual financial circumstances.
For instance
Linking Words
, they could take their
children
Use synonyms
 grocery shopping and explain how to compare prices, select essential products and stay within a weekly budget. By observing and participating in these decisions,
children
Use synonyms
 can gradually develop responsible spending habits and become more confident in managing their own finances.
Conclusion
In my opinion, both
schools
Use synonyms
 and
parents
Use synonyms
 should play complementary roles in financial
education
Use synonyms
, as relying exclusively on either side may be insufficient.
Although
Linking Words
schools
Use synonyms
 can provide systematic knowledge, classroom lessons may not fully reflect the financial challenges
children
Use synonyms
 encounter in everyday life.
Similarly
Linking Words
, some
parents
Use synonyms
 may lack sufficient financial knowledge or effective teaching methods to guide their
children
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, combining formal instruction at school with practical experience at home would provide
children
Use synonyms
 with a more comprehensive understanding of
money
Use synonyms
 management and prepare them to handle their finances independently in adulthood.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
You discuss both views and give your own view clearly. To make the answer even stronger, add one short point about how schools and parents can work together in real life, such as a school task that children then try at home.
task response
Your main ideas are clear and well explained. You could also say when children should start to learn about money, because this would make your view more full.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: school, home, then your view. Each paragraph stays on one main idea, which makes it easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Your linking words, such as “On the one hand”, “On the other hand”, “Furthermore”, and “Therefore”, are used well. For a more natural flow, use a few simple links too, such as “also”, “because”, and “as a result”.
coherence and cohesion
The last paragraph brings the two sides together well. You could make the final sentence a little shorter and stronger by ending with a clear main message about shared duty.
task response
You answer every part of the question. You explain the good points of learning at school and learning at home, then clearly support shared duty.
task response
The examples are useful and close to real life. The budget task in class and the food shopping example at home both support your ideas well.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction gives a clear plan, and the body paragraphs follow that plan in a logical way.
coherence and cohesion
Each paragraph has a clear main point and enough detail, so the reader can understand your ideas without effort.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: