IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people say that to prevent illness and disease, governments should focus more on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Introduction
In modern society, life has changed a great deal, especially in diseases.
This
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 includes low environmental pollution and home
problem
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problems
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.
Recentlly
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Recently
, some people often believe that they should prevent illness.
However
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, others believe that it is a complex trend.
Thus
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, both views have significant points. I personally argue that the advantages are stronger than
disadvantages
Add an article
the disadvantages
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.
This
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 assay
wil
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will
 provide key information to explore the topic.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, based on the primary view, there are several advantages.
This
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 is
due to
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 many positive reasons.
First,
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If
Fix capitalization
if
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 governments
maintaine
Correct your spelling
maintain
 our environment, it will prevent illness and disease.
In other words
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, the air should improve.
As a result
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, people become more
save
Use the right word
safe
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 and
protactive
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proactive
. The public garden is a prime example.
In addition
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,
The
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the
show examples
 smart method is a useful idea, which can provide a
save
Correct word choice
safe
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 area.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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,
according to
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 the secondary view, there are numerous disadvantages.
This
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 is
due to
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 negative reasons.
Firstly
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, a high cost, which
use for reducing the pollution, is
Correct word order
is used for reducing the pollution,
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 represents the main
dawback
Correct your spelling
drawback
. The modern device is a prime example, which needs a high fee.
This
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 can make
solution
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the solution
show examples
 more difficult and
charge
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costly
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.
Conclusion
In conclusion, in terms of the advantages and disadvantages, there are many significant benefits, which can generate a real change.
However
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, there are major dramatic issue, which makes a difficult impact.
Thus
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, the government recommends people follow the right tips for a positive result and a
bette
Correct your spelling
better
 life.
Therefore
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, I firmly believe that the benefits
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 more effective than the drawbacks.

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task response
State your view clearly in the first part. The question asks if you agree that the state should put more focus on pollution and homes. Do not change it into a talk about good and bad points.
task response
Give two clear main ideas for your view. For example, dirty air can cause lung illness, and poor homes can cause damp, cold, and stress. Then explain how each one affects health.
task response
Use real, clear examples. A park is not enough by itself. You could say that rules on car smoke can help cut asthma, or that dry, warm homes can cut chest illness in children.
task response
The other side needs a fair reply. Say that health care and food also matter, but pollution and poor homes can harm many people before they need a doctor.
coherence and cohesion
Use a simple four-part plan: first part with your view; one part on pollution; one part on homes and the other side; last part with a short final view.
coherence and cohesion
Make each part stay on one idea. Some lines, such as “The smart method” and “right tips”, are not clear and do not link to the question. Remove them or explain them.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with clear words: “First”, “For example”, “As a result”, “However”, and “In short”. Do not use “On the one hand” unless you also show a clear second view.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid the same general lines, such as “This is due to many positive reasons.” Say the reason at once. This will make your writing more clear and direct.
task response
You try to give a clear personal view and you write a final part that returns to your main idea.
task response
You mention two key parts of the question: pollution and homes.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an end.
coherence and cohesion
You use some linking words, such as “First”, “In addition”, “However”, and “In conclusion”.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • preventive healthcare
  • environmental regulations
  • respiratory diseases
  • public health policies
  • sanitation facilities
  • urban planning
  • communicable diseases
  • socio-economic factors
  • sustainable development
  • government intervention
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • industrial emissions
  • air quality index
  • affordable housing
  • mental wellbeing
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