IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people say that to prevent illness and disease, governments should focus more on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

6.5 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
In modern society, life has changed a great deal, especially in diseases.
This
Linking Words
 includes low environmental pollution. Recently, some people often believe that they should prevent illness .
However
Linking Words
, others believe that it is a complex trend.
Thus
Linking Words
, both views have significant points. I personally argue that the advantages are stronger than the disadvantages.
This
Linking Words
 assay will provide key information to explore the topic.
Hence
Linking Words
, the government should provide a smart method to protect the citizens.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, based on the primary view, there are several advantages.
This
Linking Words
 is
due to
Linking Words
 many positive reasons.
First,
Linking Words
if governments maintain our environment, it will prevent illness.
In other words
Linking Words
, the air should improve.
As a result
Linking Words
, people become fine. The public garden is a prime example.
In addition
Linking Words
, the smart method is a useful idea.
This
Linking Words
 can provide a healthy area.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
according to
Linking Words
 the secondary view, there are numerous disadvantages.
This
Linking Words
 is
due to
Linking Words
 negative reasons.
Firstly
Linking Words
, the high cost is a main drawback. The modern device is a prime example, which needs a high fee.
This
Linking Words
 can make the solution more difficult and costly.
Conclusion
In conclusion, in terms of the advantages and disadvantages, there are many significant benefits, which can generate a real change.
However
Linking Words
, there are major dramatic issue, which makes a difficult impact.
Thus
Linking Words
, the government recommends people follow the right tips for a positive result and a better life.
Therefore
Linking Words
, I firmly believe that the benefits are more effective than the drawbacks.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Answer the exact question. Say how far you agree that cutting pollution and fixing homes should be a main way to stop disease. Do not use an advantages and disadvantages plan, because this was not asked.
task response
Give clear main ideas about pollution and housing. For example, dirty air can cause lung problems, and damp or crowded homes can help illness spread.
task response
Explain each idea more. Show why a government plan can help many people, then add one real or clear example.
task response
Your view is not clear. You say the good points are stronger than the bad points, but you do not clearly say what you agree with or why.
coherence and cohesion
Use a simple four-part plan: introduction with your view; one paragraph on pollution; one paragraph on housing; then a short conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph stay on one main point. The first body paragraph moves from the environment to a 'smart method' and public gardens without clear links.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words only when they show a real link. Phrases such as 'This is due to many positive reasons' repeat ideas but do not add meaning.
coherence and cohesion
Write clearer sentences. For example, change 'people become fine' to 'people may have fewer breathing problems.'
coherence and cohesion
The last paragraph should repeat your clear view and main reasons. Do not add new ideas such as giving people tips at the end.
task response
You try to give your own view and you talk about the role of government.
task response
You include ideas about clean air and the cost of new tools.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, two main paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some signpost words, such as 'On the one hand', 'In addition', and 'In conclusion'.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • preventive healthcare
  • environmental regulations
  • respiratory diseases
  • public health policies
  • sanitation facilities
  • urban planning
  • communicable diseases
  • socio-economic factors
  • sustainable development
  • government intervention
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • industrial emissions
  • air quality index
  • affordable housing
  • mental wellbeing
What to do next:
Look at other essays: