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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people say that to prevent illness and disease, governments should focus more on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

5.5 / 9
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Introduction
In modern society,
life
Use synonyms
 has changed a great deal, especially in parks.
This
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 includes public parks and local parks. Recently, some people believe that they should go to the local park.
However
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, others believe that the opposite view is a difficult idea.
Thus
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, both views have significant points. I personally argue that the advantages are stronger than the disadvantages.
This
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 assay will provide key information to explore the topic.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, based on the primary view, there are several significant advantages
,
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apply
show examples
 which can create a real change.
This
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 is
due to
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 positive reasons.
First,
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the local garden is a useful place.
In other words
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,
this
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 increases production. The orange production is a prime example.
As a result
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, the community becomes rich and happy.
Additionally
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, the local
life
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 will become more effective.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, in terms of the secondary view, there are numerous disadvantages, which can make a negative issue.
This
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 is
due to
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 the negative reasons.
Firstly
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, the public park is an uncomfortable area.
In other words
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,
this
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 prevents freedom. The limited growth is a prime example.
As a result
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,
this
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 will decrease the outcome.
In addition
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,
this
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 will make
life
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 more difficult.
Conclusion
In conclusion, in terms of the advantages and disadvantages, there are many significant benefits.
However
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, there are major dramatic drawbacks, which can make negative impact.
Thus
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, the government recommends people follow the right tips for a positive result and a better
life
Use synonyms
. I firmly believe that the benefits are more effective than the drawbacks.

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task response
Answer the real question. The topic is about health, air and water pollution, and housing problems. Your essay is about parks, so it does not answer the task.
task response
State your view clearly in the first paragraph. Say if you agree, disagree, or agree only in part. Keep this same view in every body paragraph and in the end.
task response
Use main ideas that fit the topic. For example, explain how dirty air can cause lung illness, how unsafe water can spread disease, and how poor homes can lead to stress and infection.
task response
Give clear, real examples. Instead of orange production or limited growth, use an example such as people in damp, crowded homes getting more breathing problems.
coherence and cohesion
Use a simple four-part plan: introduction, one paragraph on pollution, one paragraph on housing, and conclusion. This will make your ideas easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph focus on one main point. Some sentences now have no clear link to parks, health, or the question.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words only when the link is clear. Try: First, For example, Because of this, However, and In conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeated general phrases such as “significant advantages” and “negative reasons”. Say exactly what the benefit or problem is.
task response
You give a clear personal view near the start and repeat it in the conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, two main body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You try to show both sides of an issue with “On the one hand” and “On the other hand”.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • preventive healthcare
  • environmental regulations
  • respiratory diseases
  • public health policies
  • sanitation facilities
  • urban planning
  • communicable diseases
  • socio-economic factors
  • sustainable development
  • government intervention
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • industrial emissions
  • air quality index
  • affordable housing
  • mental wellbeing
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