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Band 4.5

(CGPT) Some people think competitive sports, such as football, are valuable because they can gather people with different ages and culture together. Some think it can cause problems because people are from different grou

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Introduction
SOME
PEOPLE
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 BELIEVE THAT
,
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 COMPETITIVE
SPORTS
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 BRING
PEOPLE
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 FROM DIFFERENT AGES AND CULTURES TOGETHER,
WHEREAS
Linking Words
OTHER
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OTHERS
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 ARGUE THAT COMPETITION BETWEEN DIFFERENT GROUPS CAN CAUSE PROBLEMS. IN MY OPINION, THESE
SPORTS
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 ARE VALUABLE BECAUSE THEY CAN CREATE OPPORTUNITIES FOR
PEOPLE
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 TO BUILD LASTING RELATIONSHIPS.
Body paragraph 1
ON THE ONE HAND, A SHARED INTEREST IN A TEAM GIVES
PEOPLE
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 A REASON TO TALK, HELPING THEM TO CONNECT EVEN IF THEY COME FROM DIFFERENT CULTURAL BACKGROUNDS.
FOR EXAMPLE
Linking Words
, AN OLDER LOCAL SUPPORTER AND YOUNGER FAN FROM ANOTHER COUNTRY MIGHT START BY DISCUSSING THEIR FAVORITE PLAYER OR THEIR CLUB'S PROSPECTS FOR THE
NEAXT
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NEXT
 SEASON.
THESE
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THIS
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 CONVERSATION MAY LEAD TO
LASTING
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A LASTING
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REALTIONSHIP
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RELATIONSHIP
 DESPITE THEIR DIFFERENT AGES AND CULTURAL BACKGROUNDS.
AS A RESULT
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, COMPETITIVE
SPORTS
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 CAN BRIDGE CULTURAL AND GENERATIONAL DIFFERENCES AND CREATE A STRONGER SENSE OF COMMUNITY.
Body paragraph 2
ON THE OTHER HAND
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, STRONG COMPETITION BETWEEN TEAMS CAN CAUSE CONFLICT AMONG SUPPORTERS,
AS SOME
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as some fans take defeat personally and become aggressive towards opposing fans
FANS
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 TAKE DEFEAT PERSONALLY AND BECOME AGGRESSIVE TOWARDS OPPOSING
FANS
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.
FOR INSTANCE
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, AFTER THEIR NATIONAL TEAM LOSES AN INTERNATIONAL FINAL, SOME
FANS
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 MAY BLAME THE
OPPOISNG
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OPPOSING
 TEAM AND INSULT ITS SUPPORTERS.
THIS
Linking Words
 CAN LEAD TO ARGUMENTS AND FIGHTS BETWEEN
FAND
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FANS
 FROM DIFFERENT COUNTRIES.
CONSEQUENTLY
Linking Words
, COMPETITIVE
SPORTS
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 CAN INCREASE HOSTILITY BETWEEN
PEOPLE
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 FROM DIFFERENT COUNTRIES RATHER THAN BRING THEM TOGETHER.
Conclusion
IN CONCLUSION,
ALTHOUGH
Linking Words
 COMPETITIVE
SPORTS
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 CAN CAUSE CONFLICT BETWEEN RIVAL
FANS
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, I BELIEVE THAT
,
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apply
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 THEY ARE VALUABLE BECAUSE THEY
BEING
Verb problem
BRING
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PEOPLE
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 FROM
DIFFERNT
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DIFFERENT
 AGES AND CULTURAL BACKGROUNDS TOGETHER AND HELP THEM BUILD LASTING RELATIONSHIPS.

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Task response
You answer both sides of the question and give a clear view. To make your view stronger, add one more reason why sport can help people, such as work in a team or shared events.
Task response
Your examples fit your main ideas. Make them more real by naming a sport event, a club, or a clear place. This will make the points feel more full.
Coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part plan: start, two main parts, and end. The ideas move in a good order.
Coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more natural way. You use "For example", "As a result", and "Consequently" well, but do not need one in every part. Some short links, such as "Also" or "However", can help.
Coherence and cohesion
Check small word errors because they can slow the reader: "next", "conversations", "relationships", "opposing", "fans", "bring", and "different". Also remove the comma after "that" in "I believe that they are valuable".
Task response
You deal with both the good and bad sides of competitive sport, and your own view is clear from the start to the end.
Task response
The main points are easy to understand: sport can help people talk and form ties, but strong rivalry can lead to anger and fights.
Coherence and cohesion
Each body part has one clear main idea, an example, and a result. This makes the essay easy to follow.
Coherence and cohesion
The end sums up your view well and links back to the ideas in the main parts.
Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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