IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people believe that schools should teach children to be good citizens and workers rather than focusing on academic subjects. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

6.0 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
It is believed that schools ought to be educating kids to become more responsible citizens and hard-working workers
instead
Linking Words
 of concentrating only on studies. I totally agree with the statement , as students spend most of their
time
Use synonyms
 in
school
Use synonyms
, and it is the right age for them to learn these values faster.
Body paragraph 1
One of the main reasons for
children
Use synonyms
 to learn to be
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
good
citizen
Check wording
citizens
show examples
 in a
school
Use synonyms
 is that
this
Linking Words
 is the place where they spend the majority of their
time
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 means a kid is in
school
Use synonyms
 from the morning to the evening, which allows them to learn
such
Linking Words
 moral values with concentration in plenty of
time
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, in Russia, there is a half-hour
time
Use synonyms
 period, which is mandatory for each class, where they learn
skills
Use synonyms
 and strategies to become an independent individual.
Moreover
Linking Words
, these classes are always held in groups, which
consequently
Linking Words
 makes the environment interesting to participate
.
Change preposition
in.
show examples
Body paragraph 2
It is a fact that adapting or learning something new for teenagers are more quicker than for anyone
due to
Linking Words
 their cognitive
skills
Use synonyms
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, they are able to understand anything very easily if they are being taught in an effective way. There is an undeniable fact that
children
Use synonyms
 have better problem-solving
skills
Use synonyms
 when it comes to acquiring interesting knowledge.
For example
Linking Words
, in China, students between the ages of 10 and 18 were observed to be faster learner as compare to their parents when they were given regular sessions on personal development in schools.
Thus
Linking Words
, it is extremely significant to get
children
Use synonyms
 enrolled in these kinds of sessions for their self-improvement.
Conclusion
To conclude
Linking Words
, schools should always take initiatives to emphasise to students to become responsible citizens
as well as
Linking Words
 self-reliant workers, as
children
Use synonyms
 spend more
time
Use synonyms
 with their teachers at
school
Use synonyms
, and because of their higher learning
skills
Use synonyms
, they understand faster in
time
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Your view is clear from the start: you agree that schools should teach these skills. However, the question says “rather than” academic subjects. Say more clearly that schools should still teach main school subjects, while also teaching life and work skills.
task response
Your first main idea is about being a good citizen, but it needs more detail. Explain what this means, such as helping others, following rules, and taking part in the local area.
task response
Your second main idea is mostly about how fast young people learn. Link it more directly to being good workers. For example, explain how group work, time plans, and taking care of tasks can help children at work later.
task response
Use examples that are easy to believe and explain how they support your point. The Russia and China examples sound very exact, but they are not fully explained. A simple school example may work better.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear four-part plan: opening, two main parts, and ending. Keep this plan, but make each main part answer one clear point from the question.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer links between ideas. For example: “First,” “Also,” “As a result,” and “For this reason.” This will help the reader follow your points more easily.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences repeat the same idea about children learning fast. Cut repeated parts and use the space to explain why these skills matter in adult life.
coherence and cohesion
Make the ending more direct. Restate your main view and say that schools should add these lessons, not replace all academic study.
task response
You give a clear opinion in the opening and keep the same view through the essay.
task response
You use two main reasons and add examples for both of them.
coherence and cohesion
Your paragraphs are easy to see, and the ending returns to the main ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as “Moreover,” “Furthermore,” “For example,” and “Thus” show an effort to link ideas.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • citizen
  • worker
  • academic
  • skills
  • teamwork
  • communication
  • problems
  • financial
  • management
  • responsible
  • ethics
  • morals
  • decisions
  • society
  • involvement
  • respect
  • responsibility
  • activities
  • lessons
  • future
What to do next:
Look at other essays: