IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Is it a positive or negative trend?

4.5 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
Most
children
Use synonyms
 spend a large amount of time every day on their
smartphones
Use synonyms
.
Although
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 is a largely unwelcome trend, there is upside as well.
Firstly
Linking Words
, in
this
Linking Words
essay
Add a comma
essay,
show examples
 I will discuss the negative impacts of
smartphones
Use synonyms
 on
children
Use synonyms
 before explaining
positives
Add an article
the positives
show examples
.
Body paragraph 1
One primary
major
Check wording
reason
show examples
 why
children
Use synonyms
 should not spend
hours
Use synonyms
 every day on their
smartphones
Use synonyms
 is that it can be harmful
Linking Words
due
Change preposition
apply
show examples
to their health. To clarify, when
children
Use synonyms
using
Wrong verb form
use
show examples
 their
Use synonyms
smartphones
Punctuation problem
smartphones,
show examples
 especially before
the bed time
Correct your spelling
bedtime
it
Punctuation problem
, it
show examples
 can result in
sleep
Add an article
a sleep
show examples
 disorder. Despite the sleeping
disorder
Punctuation problem
disorder,
show examples
 it can
also
Linking Words
 affect their
eye sight
Correct your spelling
eyesight
. Spending many
hours
Use synonyms
 looking at the smartphone’s screen may
be
Verb problem
apply
show examples
lead to blurred vision. Another reason is that
smartphones
Use synonyms
 may build addiction
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
children
Use synonyms
. The addiction to
smartphones
Use synonyms
 is extremely hazardous for
Use synonyms
children
Check wording
children's
show examples
 lives.
For instance
Linking Words
, they can waste all of their time with
smartphones
Use synonyms
 and may be isolated from
environments
Correct determiner usage
their environments
show examples
. For these reasons, discussed above
using
Punctuation problem
, using
show examples
smartphones
Use synonyms
 hourly is harmful for
children
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, there are several upsides
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
this
Linking Words
 trend.
Firstly
Linking Words
, spending
hours
Use synonyms
 with
smartphone
Add an article
a smartphone
show examples
 may be useful for their educational life if they use it in a good way.
For example
Linking Words
, they can learn new languages and explore new information
in the
Change preposition
on
show examples
 various websites.
In addition
Linking Words
, they can
aware
Verb problem
be aware
show examples
 of technological
staffs
Check wording
staff
show examples
such
Linking Words
 as phone,computer. It can help
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 improve themselves in digital fields. For these
reasons
Add a comma
reasons,
show examples
 spending
hours
Use synonyms
 with
smartphone
Add an article
a smartphone
show examples
 may be useful for
children
Use synonyms
.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
children
Use synonyms
 could benefit from
smartphones
Use synonyms
 for their educational life
but
Correct word choice
,
show examples
 I believe that it can damage their health and mentality.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
You answer both parts of the question: why children use phones a lot, and whether this is good or bad. However, the first body paragraph mainly gives bad results, such as poor sleep and eye problems. Add clear causes first, for example: games, social media, videos, friends, and parents being busy.
task response
Make your main view fully clear in the introduction. You say there is an upside, but your final view is that this is mostly bad. State this early and keep the same view through the essay.
task response
Develop each main point with a fuller explanation. For example, explain how phone games and short videos keep children on a screen for many hours, then explain the result for sleep, school work, or family time.
task response
Your examples are linked to the topic, but they are quite general. Give one clear example, such as a child watching videos late at night and then feeling tired at school the next day.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear order: introduction, bad points, good points, and conclusion. Keep this strong shape, but make the first body paragraph answer the 'why' question before you discuss the bad effects.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer topic sentences. For example: 'Children often spend many hours on smartphones because games, videos, and social media are easy to use and hard to stop.' This tells the reader what the paragraph will explain.
coherence and cohesion
Some links are repeated, especially 'Firstly' and 'For these reasons'. Use a wider range of simple links, such as 'Also', 'As a result', 'For example', 'However', and 'In contrast'.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid long or unclear sentences. For example, change 'One primary major why children should not spend hours every day on their smartphones is that it can be harmful due to their health' to 'One reason this trend is harmful is its effect on children’s health.'
coherence and cohesion
Make the conclusion shorter and more direct. Restate your view and the two main reasons without adding new ideas.
task response
You discuss both the bad and good sides of smartphone use, including health, addiction, learning, and digital skills.
task response
Your final view is clear: you believe the harm to health and the mind is greater than the possible good points.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because it has separate paragraphs for bad points, good points, and a final conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use basic linking words such as 'For example', 'In addition', and 'On the other hand' to show changes between ideas.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • screen time
  • digital devices
  • smartphone addiction
  • online interactions
  • developmental impact
  • physical health
  • mental well-being
  • academic performance
  • parental supervision
  • proliferation of apps
  • engaging content
  • excessive use
  • sedentary lifestyle
What to do next:
Look at other essays: