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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people spend most of their lives living close to where they were born .What might be the reasons for this? What are the advantages and disadvantages?

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Introduction
The
Correct article usage
A
show examples
 considerable
amount
Check wording
number
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 of
humans
Check wording
people
show examples
 are likely to spend their entire life in
same
Add an article
the same
show examples
area
Use synonyms
 where they were born. In
this
Linking Words
essay
Add a comma
essay,
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 I will discuss
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the reasons, pros and cons
for
Rephrase
of the
 same.
Body paragraph 1
Firstly
Linking Words
, many
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
Use synonyms
likely
Verb problem
are likely
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 to spend time with their
parents
Use synonyms
.
because
Capitalize the word
Because
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 of that there are planning to build their homes near to parent's home.
Linking Words
Moreover
Punctuation problem
Moreover,
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people
Use synonyms
 familiar with
Use synonyms
area
Add an article
the area
show examples
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
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 as weather, facilities, and infrastructure.
Linking Words
Furthermore
Add a comma
Furthermore,
show examples
 some
people
Use synonyms
 have nostalgic
feeling
Check wording
feelings
show examples
, which will not allow them to go outside of their native
place
Use synonyms
.
Linking Words
Secondly
Add a comma
Secondly,
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 there are many advantages of
stay
Wrong verb form
staying
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 near
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
born
Correct your spelling
birthplace
place
Use synonyms
. Kids are not required to go
daycare
Change preposition
to daycare
show examples
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 they can
admitted
Verb problem
be admitted
show examples
 to the same school where their
parents
Use synonyms
 went.
For
Linking Words
example
Add a comma
example,
show examples
 my sister is living in
same
Add an article
the same
show examples
area
Use synonyms
 where she
were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
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 born
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 her children used to
take
Wrong verb form
be taken
show examples
 care
by
Change preposition
of by
show examples
 my
parents
Use synonyms
while
Linking Words
 she
has gone
Wrong verb form
went
show examples
 to work.
Body paragraph 2
On the other side,
few
Add an article
a few
show examples
 disadvantages are
also
Linking Words
 there.
For
Linking Words
instance
Add a comma
instance,
show examples
 it will
be limited
Wrong verb form
limit
show examples
 your freedom and independence.
For
Linking Words
example
Add a comma
example,
show examples
 if you are living near
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
your
Use synonyms
parents
Punctuation problem
parents,
show examples
 you have to take care
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
 them. Sometimes it will be difficult to go
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 a vacation
also
Linking Words
. Apart from
that
Punctuation problem
that,
show examples
 you will not have the ability to adapt
different
Rephrase
to a different
place
Use synonyms
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 if you are staying in the same
area
Use synonyms
 for a long time.
Conclusion
In conclusion, there are both pros and cons
in in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
if you
are
Verb problem
apply
show examples
stay near
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
place
Use synonyms
 where
where
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
you
born
Verb problem
were born
show examples
.
However
Linking Words
, ultimately, it depends on
people
Use synonyms
's
hand
Check wording
hands
show examples
 to decide what will be
benefitted
Replace the word
beneficial
 for them.

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task response
Answer all parts in a more even way. Give clear reasons first, then explain the good points and bad points with the same level of detail.
task response
Make each main idea clearer. For example, say that people stay because family support, known work, and love for the area. Then explain how each reason affects daily life.
task response
Some points need more support. The idea about children going to the same school is possible, but it is not true for all people. Add why this is useful, such as lower cost or help from family.
task response
Your example about your sister is useful. Make it more direct: explain that her parents care for her children while she works, so she can save money and feel less stress.
task response
The bad points need a little more care. Living near parents does not always limit freedom. Explain that some people may feel family pressure or may find it hard to make their own choices.
coherence and cohesion
Use a clearer four-part plan: introduction; reasons; advantages and disadvantages; conclusion. This will make the answer easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body part with a clear main sentence. For example: "There are several reasons why people stay near their birth place." Then give the reasons in a clear order.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words such as "First", "Also", "As a result", "However", and "For example". Do not use too many link words in one short part.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating the same words and ideas, such as "same area" and "born place". Use simple changes like "home town", "local area", or "the place they grew up in".
coherence and cohesion
Make the conclusion short and clear. It should sum up the main idea, not repeat several words or add new points.
task response
You discuss the reasons, advantages, and disadvantages, so your answer covers the main parts of the question.
task response
The family-care example is real and relevant. It shows how living near family can help working parents.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, main body parts, and a conclusion. The reader can see the general direction of your answer.
coherence and cohesion
You use basic signposts such as "Firstly", "Secondly", "For example", and "In conclusion" to guide the reader.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Familiarity
  • Comfort
  • Social ties
  • Family ties
  • Belonging
  • Resources
  • Opportunities
  • Fear
  • Unknown
  • Financial constraints
  • Cultural attachment
  • Language barriers
  • Limited education
  • Skills
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