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Writing Samples
Band 5

Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both schools and parents are equally responsible for solving this problem. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

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Introduction
Nowadays, we are surrounded by many conveniences that contribute to facilitating our lifestyle and shaping
the
Correct article usage
our
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 way of living.
However
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, every blessing comes with setbacks. The impact of
such
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 pleasures affected our young generation, many of whom started to develop an unhealthy lifestyle.
Consequently
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,
this
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 needs immediate intervention. From my perspective, I do agree that both schools and
parents
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 have to contribute to solving
this
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 problem.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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 with,
parents
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 send their
children
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 to school trusting that their
children
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 will have the best mental and physical health.
Along with
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 educating the minds of young learners, their brains need nurturing as they develop. The school's role is to provide the healthiest food to
their
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its
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 students. One point to consider is that nutritional lunch is served in schools’ cafeterias. Physical classes should
be
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also be
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also
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 structured where students receive different types of training
such
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 as running, lifting weights, and martial arts. Ultimately, there should be regular campaigns inside schools to raise awareness about the importance of eating healthy and
exercise
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exercising
.
Body paragraph 2
These days
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parents
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, parents
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 are well-educated and want the best for their
children
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 in order to develop their mindsets and fitness.
Accordingly
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, there should be some kind of monitoring over the
children
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’s technical devices ,
such
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 as their laptops, iPads, smartphones, and others, that
minimizes
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minimises
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 their time spent on those tools.
Moreover
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,
parents
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 need to encourage their
children
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 to join a fitness facility like a gymnasium where they are involved with different kinds of activities.
Also
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,
parents
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 can work side by side with schools to provide the healthiest environment for the youngsters.
Conclusion
To sum up
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, from my perspective, both parties, the school and
parents
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, are involved in the solution equally.
Consequently
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, unless one or the other tries to change and act responsibly,
children
Use synonyms
 will be the victim , and
this
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 comes with severe consequences in the future.

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task response
You give a clear view: both schools and parents should help. To make the answer stronger, explain more clearly why their roles are equal. For example, say that schools shape daily habits at school, while parents control food, sleep, and screen time at home.
task response
Your main ideas are on topic, but some points need more support. Add one clear example for each side. For schools, explain how a healthy lunch and sports class can help a child. For parents, explain how limits on phones can lead to more sleep or outdoor play.
task response
Be careful with broad claims such as parents sending children to school for the best mental and physical health. Schools can help, but parents still have a main role. Make your ideas more exact.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear shape: opening, school paragraph, parent paragraph, and ending. Keep this plan, but make the first sentence of each body paragraph state the main idea more directly.
coherence and cohesion
Some links between ideas are not smooth. Use simple links with a clear job: “For example” for an example, “As a result” for a result, and “In addition” for one more point. Do not use “Consequently” too often.
coherence and cohesion
A few sentences do not fit the main point well. For example, the part about children’s brains being nurtured does not lead clearly to food and sports. Focus each paragraph on one path: school action, then result; parent action, then result.
coherence and cohesion
Use the same words for the two groups throughout the essay. Choose “schools” and “parents” rather than changing to “both parties” or “the school” when you mean schools in general.
task response
You answer the question directly and keep your view clear from the opening to the end.
task response
You give useful ideas for both schools and parents, such as healthy food, sports, screen time limits, and working together.
coherence and cohesion
Your body paragraphs are well grouped: one focuses on schools and one focuses on parents.
coherence and cohesion
The ending returns to your main view and gives a clear final message about the need for both sides to act.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • unhealthy lifestyle
  • growing concern
  • crucial role
  • addressing this issue
  • promote healthy habits
  • educational programs
  • physical activities
  • establish healthy routines
  • nutritious meals
  • collaboration
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