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Writing Samples
Band 5

Rich countries should not give jobs to skilled workers ( for example: Doctors, engineers and scientists ) of poor countries as they are needed by their home countries more than rich countries. Do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
Some people are of the
thoughts
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thought
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 that skilled
workers
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 should not be taken by the financially
bouyant
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buoyant
countries
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 because these
expatraites
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expatriates
 are needed by the
home
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 land. I fully agree that the highly professional
workers
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 should remain in their country of origin
due to
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 obvious reasons
such
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 as
possibilty
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the possibility
 of brain drain in the
home
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 country, decline in standard
services
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 and economic
loss
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.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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 with, there
are
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is a
 reduced number of skilled
workers
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 in 3rd world
countries
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 when compared to the whole population. If these
workers
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 are allowed to travel to the wealthy states, there is tendencies of the
home
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 land having massive brain drain in sectors covered by skilled professionals.
This
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 will eventually lead to
reduction
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a reduction
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 in
quality
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the quality
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 of
services
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 rendered to the population in key areas
such
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 as health.
For instance
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, the recent exodus of health care
workers
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 in the past few years from poor
countries
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 to rich lands led to
marked
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a marked
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 drop in these
worker
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workers,
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with the ratio of 1 doctor per 30
patient
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patients
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 as seen in public hospitals across the nation.
This
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 created a negative impact,
such
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 that
,
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apply
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 maternal deaths recorded every bi-weekly surged to 10 deaths.
Body paragraph 2
Secondly
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, these poor
countries
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 train
there
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their
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 professionals with public funds with the aim that these skilled
workers
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 would serve the nation upon graduation. The rich
countries
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if
Punctuation problem
, if
show examples
 allowed to take these trained labourers, will cause the
home
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 nation to experience financial
loss
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 that
was not
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cannot
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recouped
Verb problem
be recouped
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back
Rephrase
apply
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through
services
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 and
consequently
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 economic
loss
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at the end
Linking Words
.
This
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 is because the finance used in these human
development
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developments
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 would have been channelled into other areas of economic development
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such
Punctuation problem
, such
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 as
Infracstructures
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infrastructure
.
Conclusion
To summarise, I fully agree that these
skilled
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skilled,
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 trained humans should remain in their poor country to render
services
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 because of being low in number when compared to the masses, prevention of brain drain, finance and eventual economic
loss
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.

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task response
You give a clear opinion from the start and keep it to the end. To make your answer stronger, explain why rich countries should not give these jobs, not only why workers should stay at home.
task response
Your two main ideas are useful: loss of skilled people and loss of public money. Add more detail about how each problem affects people, schools, hospitals, and the country in the long term.
task response
The health example is linked to your point, but it is not clear which country or study it comes from. Use a clear, believable example, or explain it as a possible result: for example, one doctor may have to care for too many patients.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: introduction, two main paragraphs, and a short ending. Keep this plan, but make the link between each sentence smoother.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body paragraph with one simple main idea. Then give an explanation and an example. In the first body paragraph, the ideas about brain drain, fewer workers, lower service, and deaths come too quickly.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words carefully. Words such as “as a result”, “therefore”, and “for example” can show cause and result more clearly. Do not use too many links in one long sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Some words make the meaning hard to follow, such as “financially bouyant countries”, “expartriates”, and “skilled trained humans”. Use simple, direct phrases such as “rich countries”, “skilled workers”, and “people trained by the state”.
task response
You answer the question directly and clearly state that you agree.
task response
You choose relevant main ideas: fewer skilled workers, weaker public services, and loss of public money.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction tells the reader what your main points will be.
coherence and cohesion
Each body paragraph focuses mainly on one reason, and the final paragraph repeats your position clearly.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • brain drain
  • skilled workforce
  • development
  • economic disparity
  • healthcare system
  • infrastructure
  • innovation
  • ethical implications
  • global community
  • emigration
  • shortages
  • training and development
  • advanced training
  • employment opportunities
  • work-life balance
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