IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people have decided to reduce the number of times they fly every year or to stop flying altogether. Do you think the environmental benefits of this development outweigh the disadvantages for individuals and businesses?

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Introduction
In
this
Linking Words
 contemporary era, several
individuals
Use synonyms
intended
Wrong verb form
intend
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 to decrease the number of times they utilise
airplane
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aeroplanes
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 every year
for
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due to
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 their detrimental environmental effects on nature.
Body paragraph 1
While
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 many people are convinced that
individuals
Use synonyms
 and businesses' benefits are more significant than environmental, I firmly believe that environmental positive outcomes outweigh these disadvantages because of
its
Fix the agreement mistake
their
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 consensus advantage in the world.
Body paragraph 2
To begin
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 with, a considerable
amount
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number
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 of society believes that
individuals
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 and businesses' positive results are more important because of their remarkable economic impact on countries. To illustrate, many states utilise
airplanes
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aeroplanes
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 to
transform
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transport
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 different goods, resulting in beneficial incomes to the country.
For instance
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, Syria use fly roads to bring clothes from Turkey to reinforce trade in the state.
Thus
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,
airplane
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aeroplane
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 usage has numerous beneficial influences on the
countries’
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country’s
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 economy.
Body paragraph 3
In contrast
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, several environmentalists think that excessive
airplane
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aeroplane
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 usage could have detrimental impacts on the environment.
This
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 is because it results in carbon emissions and increases the risk of global warming.
For example
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, the
last
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 scientific research papers demonstrated that unbalanced energy usage negatively affected the ozone layer.
As a result
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, extreme
relying
Replace the word
reliance
 on
airplanes
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aeroplanes
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 could threaten our life on the planet, and
this
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 certainly will
pause
Verb problem
pose
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 a significant issue in the future.
Conclusion
In conclusion, as mentioned in
this
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 essay, many
individuals
Use synonyms
 think that businesses' benefits are greater than environmental,
while
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 others believe that the natural advantages are more crucial for their common positive outcome. I am convinced that people should maintain their natural environment
due to
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 the fact that it is the main source of their lives.

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task response
State your view more clearly in the first paragraph. Say that the good for the environment is greater than the bad for people and firms.
task response
Talk about both sides in a more even way. Explain the bad points of less flying, such as higher cost, less travel, and less trade. Then explain why the good for the environment is still more important.
task response
Give more clear support for your main ideas. The Syria and Turkey example is not fully explained, and it does not show what happens when people fly less.
task response
Avoid ideas that are too broad, such as “common positive outcome.” Use direct ideas about less air pollution, less warming, and a safer future.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main paragraphs, and an end. Keep this plan, but make each paragraph answer the same main question: are the good points greater than the bad points?
coherence and cohesion
Use clear topic sentences. For example: “Flying less can hurt trade and travel.” Then: “However, it can greatly cut air pollution.”
coherence and cohesion
Link your ideas with simple words such as “First,” “Also,” “However,” “For this reason,” and “In the end.” Do not use “in contrast” when you are not directly comparing two clear ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because the word choice is unclear. For example, change “extreme relying on airplanes” to “too much flying” and “pause a significant issue” to “cause a serious problem.”
task response
You give a clear personal view that protecting the environment is very important.
task response
You include reasons linked to carbon emissions and global warming, which are relevant to the question.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is divided into clear paragraphs, with an introduction, main ideas, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some useful linking words, such as “To begin with,” “For instance,” “In contrast,” and “As a result.”
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • reduce
  • benefits
  • environment
  • pollution
  • travel
  • businesses
  • individuals
  • challenges
  • meetings
  • connections
  • effort
  • manage
  • remotely
  • money
  • stress
  • local
  • culture
  • discovering
  • innovative
  • technology
  • ways
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