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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

some people think that mobiles are harmful for children , while others diagree. Discusse both side and give your opinion

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Introduction
Nowadays, mobiles
phone
Use synonyms
 has becoming popular in the world, almost all
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people using internet,
also
Linking Words
 the mobiles
phone
Use synonyms
 cause dangerous particularlly for
children
Use synonyms
.
Other
Replace the word
Others
 believe
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
technolgy
Correct your spelling
technology
 is very important and useful. I believe both views
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 merit
depands
Correct your spelling
, depending
 on how
parents
Use synonyms
 protect and supervise their
children
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, we can not prevent about the high growing up the
techonolgy
Correct your spelling
rapid growth of technology
.
Linking Words
Moreover
Punctuation problem
Moreover,
show examples
 almost all of our
asigment
Check wording
assignments
show examples
 today we need
mobile
Add an article
a mobile
show examples
phone
Use synonyms
 to
used
Wrong verb form
use
show examples
.
However
Linking Words
, giving
children
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using
Correct determiner usage
a
show examples
 cell
phone
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 is not
good
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a good
show examples
ideas
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idea
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,
by reason of
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due to
show examples
 their age.
For instance
Linking Words
, many
parents
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 who
allowed
Wrong verb form
allow
show examples
 their
kids
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 to
using
Wrong verb form
use
show examples
 cell
Use synonyms
phone
Check wording
phones
show examples
,
as a result
Linking Words
numerouse
Correct your spelling
, numerous
 of them have
lazy
Add an article
a lazy
show examples
 habit and
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 an adverse effect on their vision. In my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
show examples
parents
Use synonyms
 should prohibit their
children
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 from
mobile
Verb problem
using mobile
show examples
Use synonyms
phone
Check wording
phones
show examples
 until
their
Use the right word
they are
show examples
kids
Use synonyms
 17 years old
for avoiding
Wrong verb form
to avoid
show examples
 any negative effects.
Body paragraph 2
on
Capitalize the word
On
show examples
 the
otehr
Correct your spelling
other
 hand, people believe that cell
Use synonyms
phone
Check wording
phones
show examples
 have
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
many advantages for their
children
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, particularly
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
parents
Use synonyms
 who have
a bussy
Rephrase
busy
 work.
mobile
Add an article
A mobile
show examples
phone
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 can be
best
Add an article
the best
show examples
 solution.
For example
Linking Words
, when their
kids
Use synonyms
Verb problem
are
show examples
crying and angry,
instead
Linking Words
 of going outside with their
children
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 for
rilex
Check wording
relaxation
show examples
,
their
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 prefer
gave
Wrong verb form
to give
show examples
 their
children
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 to watch some vidio or play
game
Add an article
a game
show examples
,
then
Linking Words
parents
Use synonyms
 can continue their job. di
additionally
Linking Words
Body paragraph 3
childreen
Correct your spelling
Children
 can learn about something more
earlier
Punctuation problem
earlier,
show examples
such
Linking Words
 as watching animals,
plant
Rephrase
plants,
 and so on, without going outside.
Conclusion
In conclusion, taking
Linking Words
this
Fix the agreement mistake
these
show examples
 views into account, I believe mobile
Use synonyms
phone
Check wording
phones
show examples
 can be dangerous for
childreen
Correct your spelling
children
 without
control
Correct word choice
parental control
show examples
 by
parents
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 because they can
accsess anyting
Correct your spelling
access anything
Punctuation problem
,
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for
Linking Words
example
Punctuation problem
example,
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 on YouTube without any role. I believe
beside of
Change preposition
besides
show examples
 the harmful
mobil
Correct your spelling
mobile
phone
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
 have merits
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
kids
Use synonyms
 can learn about
academic
Replace the word
academics
or
environment
Add an article
the environment
show examples
 without going outside
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
this
Linking Words
is make
Wrong verb form
makes
show examples
parents
Use synonyms
 have more time for doing another job.

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task response
Discuss both sides in a more equal way. Explain clearly why phones may harm children and why they may help them. Then give one clear view in the last paragraph.
task response
Your main view is clear: phones can help, but parents must control use. Make this view stronger by saying what kind of control parents should use, such as time limits and safe video settings.
task response
Some examples need more detail. For example, explain how long screen time can hurt sleep, eyes, study, or play time. For the good side, explain how a child can use a phone to learn with a parent.
coherence and cohesion
Use a clear four-part plan: introduction, harms, benefits, and conclusion. Start each body paragraph with one main idea, then add an example and an explanation.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words in the right way: 'On the one hand', 'For example', 'As a result', 'However', and 'In conclusion'. Do not use too many link words in one sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the same point together. The part about parents using phones to calm a child should stay in the benefits paragraph, but also say why this may not be the best use of a phone.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid very short or unfinished parts, such as 'di additionally'. Check each paragraph before you finish so every idea is complete and easy to follow.
task response
You answer both parts of the question and give your own view. Your main message about parent control is easy to understand.
task response
You use examples from family life, such as children watching videos and learning about animals and plants.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two sides, and a conclusion. You also use useful signposts such as 'On the one hand' and 'In conclusion'.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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